On The Lupie Side Of The Street

For the past few days I've been a bit on the down side. I've got what feels like 9384934839 things on my plate and none of them are getting cleared off. It feels like no one is understanding me and honestly, I'm getting tired of explaining myself. It's hard because everyone thinks I'm trying to be mean when I'm really not. The impact of not having a job, feeling like a loser, and having an uncomfortable living situation is really taking it's toll on me. People keep trying to give me job suggestions, but half of them aren't thinking about the job. Half the people don't think about the impact a certain job would have on me. Half the people don't realize that whatever company it is won't have much tolerance for someone like me. But there have been a handful of people, practically complete strangers, who have been very helpful to me.

For now all I can do is to keep telling myself that something, somewhere, is going to give. Someone is going to call me in for an interview, someone is going to hire me on the spot. I'll have a job that I will learn to love. I will work hard, I will push my limits (even though that's a no no), and if I get sick, my employer will understand without making me get a doctor's note for a flare. I will have a job where the other employees will like me and supervisors will think I'm wonderful. Customers will think I'm attentive, friendly, and helpful. I'll work for a company that has excellent values and a sense of community. All I can do is keep trying, keep hoping, and keep wishing that something, somewhere is going to give.

Sometimes I think we all need to be reminded of the things we are thankful for. I think we all forget from time to time, how lucky we really are. In my family, we never went around the table at Thanksgiving saying what we were thankful for. Or if we did, I don't remember it ***smacks head*** silly brain. So pardon my incredibly long list as I remind myself what I am thankful for. Who knows, some of it may shock you (get your inhalers, defibrillators, and Epipens ready).

1. Life.
2. Most of my family...
   
3. My "stand by me" friends, including but not limited to Ariel, Ashley, Leyna, Amy, M@, and especially Michele.
4. Some very special people from my church such as Jodie, Thomas, Maria, Suzanne, Emma, Estelle, James, Lauren, and a few more who I'm probably forgetting.
   
5. Bed, my cozy, comfy bed.
6. Medications (thank you for promethazine,plaquenil, and reglan especially).
   
7. Heavy curtains.
8. Amazing doctors.
9. Dark painted rooms.
10. Laptop, which I am thinking of naming, any suggestions?
11. My toothbrush.
12. Sugar free wheat pasta.
13. My old faithful, risen from dead 3948340384 times, precious pink iPod mini.
14. My obsolete digital camera.
15. Crocs.
16. My kids size pink and gray Adidas sneakers (perfect walking shoes).
17. Fruity teas.
18. Deodorant (seriously, without it, we would all stink).
19. CNN.
20. For learning how to stand up to my Dad.
21. My Mom's car which is slowly becoming mine (muahahahaha).
22. Job applications.
23. The ability to inspire others.
24. Arts and crafts.
25. Hand sanitizer.
26. Cleaning products (I'm a neat freak).
27. Penguins, enough said.
28. Homemade sugar free choco-hazelnut spread (Nutella).
29. My secret cookie recipes (but Mom knows some of the secrets, don't go holding her ransom, I'm broke, will only pay in cookies).
30. Life is good hat and book.
31. Transitions lenses.
32. Clothing, yeah rocking the paper bag was so last year, just kidding, or am I?
33. The Lupus Foundation of America.
34. Air conditioning.
35. Hope.
36. Music, all sorts.
37. My voice, for singing, for speaking, and how people miss it when it's silent.
38. Sugar free chewing gum (I'm constantly chewing gum, apparently it's a stress reliever).
39. Emergen-C.
40. This blog.
41. The people who follow this blog.
42. All of my fellow Tweeters.
43. Energy saving light bulbs.
44. Clean water.
45. Photographs
46. My last $10 which I tried to give to my Mom to pay for gas for letting me use her car.

I'm sure I'm thankful for much more, but right now my brain isn't functioning at a prime level. Right now all I want to do is have a job so I won't feel like such a pathetic human being. Right now, I'm trying my best to stay optimistic but I feel like I'm not a very good person. Right now I wish someone could just tell me that they have a job and I would be perfect for it. I just want to be a good person and having a job would really help.

I know a celebrity would never read my blog, that's not pessimism speaking, that's realism. I wish though that one could come help me out a little bit. I don't want a car, or a new house, or lots of money, I just want a job where I can help people. I just wish that someone could see that I'm trying so hard, and I want nothing more than to be healthy and to work. I just feel like I need a big miracle right about now. Yet, I keep telling myself that life is good, that I have at least 45 things to be thankful for, and that I'm doing the best I can do. So if any of you out there have the ability to make miracles happen, please, I'm begging you, send one my way. I know I am the least deserving person on the face of the earth, but I need one. I just need some help and I just want to help others. I feel so selfish but I just need some help.

Me and the tears that are streaming down my face are going to sign off now. I very rarely cry and when I do, it's a big deal. I need a massive box of Kleenex too.