On The Lupie Side Of The Street

Here lately I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships and how I can tie all of that into my life. I tell myself that I'm going to be alone, that I'm better off that way. I convince myself that falling in love will only lead to heart break that leaves me in shambles. I force myself to believe that I'm not meant to be in a relationship anymore. I see myself as damaged goods, who's going to buy the can of tomatoes with the dent in it anyways? I've got dents and my back story is certainly not able to be contained in a can. My label may be smooth and pretty with great graphics but if you eat what's inside, you'll probably get botulism. At least that's what I tell myself...

Recently I received my very first "booty call." You may be thinking "Why are you advertising this Erika?" Well I'm saying something because this is a lesson on how not to act when trying to have physical relations with a person. The situation happened to me with a friend, someone whom I have known for ages and ages. It is very demeaning to me because I feel as if our friendship is not being valued. Is the only reason he keeps me around is because he wants to have sex with me? Am I only a pretty thing that is desired in a sexual way? It upsets me because I don't give off the image of being easy. I dress modestly, I'm not overly flirtatious, and I certainly do not have a promiscuous past.

To make matters worse is that this person has been calling on a somewhat daily basis to see how I'm doing. I rejected the "booty call" because I was sicker than a three legged broke neck dog. I'm sorry but when I'm in pain, feeling like I'm going to throw up with a fever, and fall over all at the same time, I'm not in a sexy place. The emotions that come with physical relations are not exactly flowing through me. When I tell you that I am feeling really sick when you proposition me for sex, that's code for "I'm not going to roll around in the sheets with you." What makes me feel worse is that you have called in the days following to check on me. You didn't call me because you actually cared about how I was feeling. You called because you wanted to see if I was well enough to have sex. Let me clear one thing up for the world, I may be feeling better now, but I'm not going to give it up for just anybody.

Calling me and basically asking me for sex is not a very good incentive. Vivian, the character Julia Roberts played in Pretty Woman so famously said "I want the fairy tale." That's right people, I want the fairy tale, I deserve the fairy tale. I may have some damage, I may have a back story, but I believe every girl (or guy) deserves the fairy tale. I want to be wowed, wooed, and charmed till I'm floating in the air with glee in my heart. I want a bouquet of orange flowers to be waiting for me when I go into work. I want to be surprised with hand written love notes in the mail. I want to be embraced with a warm hug after a few days of being apart. I want someone to call and leave me funny voice mails that will make me crack up for hours. I want someone to think about me and believe with all of their heart that I am the best gal out there.

Now I've been catching some flack from some people and I know they mean it in a joking way. But apparently I'm throwing away the chance to have sex. I don't see it as throwing away anything. I'm not at in a place in my life where I feel comfortable having one night stands just so I can have physical contact. I crave the emotional connection of a relationship more than anything. Knowing that at the end of the day, I have someone who loves and cares about me more than I ever thought possible. If I were a person who felt comfortable loving and leaving then that would be one thing. But I need and DESERVE more than an hour in bed and a kiss good bye. If you're able to do that though, good for you, it's simply not for me. Go ahead and call me old fashioned, it's the way I am.

I deserve to be happy, I deserve to have love, and I deserve not to be hurt. I'm not going to go out and look for love either. When the right person comes along, so be it. And if they aren't scared off by my L.L. Bean luggage then they are definitely a keeper. If they are scared, ok, I'll keep living and moving on. Eventually, I will have true love that lifts me off me feet in the beginning and grounds my soul in the end. I know that relationships aren't easy, they take work, and sometimes you want to give up. But I also know that despite the pain and frustration relationships can bring, there is joy. Joy that makes up for all of life's faults. I'll take the joy, the frustration, the ups, and the downs. I'll take it all in stride because I want all of those things in my life.