On The Lupie Side Of The Street

It's a Friday night but it isn't just any Friday night, it's a special Friday night. Right now I should be dressed up, my hair should be brushed, my make up should be gorgeous, and I would be surrounded by my friends. We would be celebrating the fact that I'm turning 24 years old (not technically until this coming Tuesday). Guess what? I'm not out with my friends, I'm at home, in my room, snuggled under blankets in my bed. This is not the way today should have gone.

I felt horrible about canceling on my friends. A lot of them had to move their schedules around in order to come. I was looking forward to having all of my friends together because my Birthday celebration is the only time it happens each year. I'm not having just a lupus flare, I'm genuinely sick, feeling about as good as a soggy, moldy Pop-Tart left in a kid's lunch box over summer vacation. After I sent out text messages and emails, I got a reply back from each person. Here are some of the things they said.

"It's ok sweetie. Get well. :-)"

"Do you need anything?"

"O god that bites. I hope u feel better soon!"

"*muah* its otay it just means u get to celebrate in a week or so! :-P Feel better, <3 you! Happy birfthday!"

"If there's anything I can do let me know."

"U being healthy is all that matters. Seriously. When you reschedule, let me know and I will be off:-)"

"That sucks! Hope you feel better soon!"

"We'll all understand. We're all MORE interested in seeing you better than in seeing you 2night. :)"

In that moment, I was reminded of a passage that I had recently read in a book.

"...there are two types of friends in the world, those who inspire you all that is great and good and those who'd prefer to get right down on their haunches and help out with the mud pies..."
~Julie Powell, Julie and Julia

I'm lucky, I don't have to choose which friends inspire me and which ones help me out with the mud pies. My closest friends do both for me! Today when they told me to feel better, I actually felt better for a minute or two afterward. When they asked if I needed anything, I knew that they would go to the ends of the earth for me. So while I'm missing my own Birthday party, laying in bed, trying really hard to get better, my friends are still supporting me all the way. To them, I'm more than a person who has a chronic illness, I'm their Erika. They love me for me and no matter what they will always stand by my side.

So, my close friends who had to miss out on an Erika celebration, please know this. I love you, I love each and every one of you. I am so unbelievably lucky to have you in my life. Very few people have as many amazing friends as I do. Every day you inspire me to be the best Erika I know I can be. Every day, whether you realize it or not, you help me. I know that we will always have each others backs. Nothing will ever stand in the way of our friendship because we love each other too much. Thank you for being so understanding over the years, I know it hasn't been easy for any of you. I hope one day I can give back as much as you give to me. You are each two types of friends in one, but remaining unique with qualities that I could only dream of having. You all are truly the best friends that everyone wishes they could have.

Here lately I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships and how I can tie all of that into my life. I tell myself that I'm going to be alone, that I'm better off that way. I convince myself that falling in love will only lead to heart break that leaves me in shambles. I force myself to believe that I'm not meant to be in a relationship anymore. I see myself as damaged goods, who's going to buy the can of tomatoes with the dent in it anyways? I've got dents and my back story is certainly not able to be contained in a can. My label may be smooth and pretty with great graphics but if you eat what's inside, you'll probably get botulism. At least that's what I tell myself...

Recently I received my very first "booty call." You may be thinking "Why are you advertising this Erika?" Well I'm saying something because this is a lesson on how not to act when trying to have physical relations with a person. The situation happened to me with a friend, someone whom I have known for ages and ages. It is very demeaning to me because I feel as if our friendship is not being valued. Is the only reason he keeps me around is because he wants to have sex with me? Am I only a pretty thing that is desired in a sexual way? It upsets me because I don't give off the image of being easy. I dress modestly, I'm not overly flirtatious, and I certainly do not have a promiscuous past.

To make matters worse is that this person has been calling on a somewhat daily basis to see how I'm doing. I rejected the "booty call" because I was sicker than a three legged broke neck dog. I'm sorry but when I'm in pain, feeling like I'm going to throw up with a fever, and fall over all at the same time, I'm not in a sexy place. The emotions that come with physical relations are not exactly flowing through me. When I tell you that I am feeling really sick when you proposition me for sex, that's code for "I'm not going to roll around in the sheets with you." What makes me feel worse is that you have called in the days following to check on me. You didn't call me because you actually cared about how I was feeling. You called because you wanted to see if I was well enough to have sex. Let me clear one thing up for the world, I may be feeling better now, but I'm not going to give it up for just anybody.

Calling me and basically asking me for sex is not a very good incentive. Vivian, the character Julia Roberts played in Pretty Woman so famously said "I want the fairy tale." That's right people, I want the fairy tale, I deserve the fairy tale. I may have some damage, I may have a back story, but I believe every girl (or guy) deserves the fairy tale. I want to be wowed, wooed, and charmed till I'm floating in the air with glee in my heart. I want a bouquet of orange flowers to be waiting for me when I go into work. I want to be surprised with hand written love notes in the mail. I want to be embraced with a warm hug after a few days of being apart. I want someone to call and leave me funny voice mails that will make me crack up for hours. I want someone to think about me and believe with all of their heart that I am the best gal out there.

Now I've been catching some flack from some people and I know they mean it in a joking way. But apparently I'm throwing away the chance to have sex. I don't see it as throwing away anything. I'm not at in a place in my life where I feel comfortable having one night stands just so I can have physical contact. I crave the emotional connection of a relationship more than anything. Knowing that at the end of the day, I have someone who loves and cares about me more than I ever thought possible. If I were a person who felt comfortable loving and leaving then that would be one thing. But I need and DESERVE more than an hour in bed and a kiss good bye. If you're able to do that though, good for you, it's simply not for me. Go ahead and call me old fashioned, it's the way I am.

I deserve to be happy, I deserve to have love, and I deserve not to be hurt. I'm not going to go out and look for love either. When the right person comes along, so be it. And if they aren't scared off by my L.L. Bean luggage then they are definitely a keeper. If they are scared, ok, I'll keep living and moving on. Eventually, I will have true love that lifts me off me feet in the beginning and grounds my soul in the end. I know that relationships aren't easy, they take work, and sometimes you want to give up. But I also know that despite the pain and frustration relationships can bring, there is joy. Joy that makes up for all of life's faults. I'll take the joy, the frustration, the ups, and the downs. I'll take it all in stride because I want all of those things in my life.