On The Lupie Side Of The Street

I had an absolutely amazing weekend! I've been working so hard here lately to get my life back. I have a job, even if it is only part time and temporary. I'm trying to figure out a new career path that will work with my body instead of against it. I'm also figuring out what my body can and cannot handle. Being outside, even in the shade, with sunscreen, for two days in a row makes my body very unhappy. I'm extremely photosensitive the sun literally makes me sick. It started with a lovely rash on my chest on Saturday night, pointed out by a friend. I was too busy being social and having fun to pay attention to it. Now my body is feeling really grossed out, everything is aching down to the core. But that's the price I pay to act my age!

I also want to say that I have the best friends ever. Everyone says it but I really do! I'm so thankful for the few people I share my life with. I've been a social butterfly before, had tons of friends, but then when they going gets tough, they up and leave. But I know now that if the going ever gets tough with me again, my friends will stand by me. I also hope that they know I will always be there for them. I will take whatever issues I have with myself and shove them away to be by their side. I have one friend in particular who has been extremely supportive over the past month or so. Each time we hang out, I get to know her more. She likes to think of herself as "the cool Mom" but I think of her as the cool friend with a heart of gold.

This weekend it was all about the food. I talked about food, cooked food, tweeted about food, it was foodyliscious! It reminded me of my good ol' days, working in kitchens, my life revolved around food. I was never tired, never sick, and everything seemed to be perfect. I dream about foods I wish I could eat again. But I know every food I eat has consequences and I have to weigh the pros and cons. I saw a delicious recipe for a chocolate tart and just about fell out in the kitchen. I also have the urge to one day make it to New York and eat my way through it. It will probably be 20 years from now when I have money, when I'm fixed up, and I may even have someone to go with me at that point. A girl has got to have dreams right?

I love my friends, I love my life (even when I say I don't), I love this blog. It's all so random but it's me and I'm about as random as they get. Crabcakes anyone? I love the fact that after a couple of years of being sick, most days I'm feeling better. I love that I am trying to be more social and I am actually feeling ok with it. I love that I'm getting used to my body and even when it's constantly attacking itself. I love that my life with lupus is never normal, every day is completely different with challenges I never thought I would face. I love knowing that one day I'm going to really be able to live and be free. I love that I have hope for a future, a future that wasn't supposed to be.

Most of all, I love the fact that I'm slowly becoming the person I want to be. It may not be the person I dreamed about in the past. It may not be what everyone wants me to be. But my happiness depends on me and not on anyone else. I am making my own happiness and I love that.


P.S.- Even though I love my life, I still want to crawl under a rock. I need a bucket of anti-inflammatories to pull me out of this one.