On The Lupie Side Of The Street

After thinking about what I wanted to write about, I finally thought of it. First of all, I don't know if anyone else out there with lupus has this problem or if it's just me. I sometimes cannot make a sentence that other people understand. Now it's not like I'm talking gibberish and putting words together that don't make sense. My Mother often looks at me like I'm an alien because she doesn't understand what I'm trying to say. And the hard thing is that I know what I want to say, it all makes sense in my head. But when I say it, apparently it doesn't make sense.

I get frustrated especially when I don't understand something. For me it can be the simplest thing ever and my brain just will not allow me to understand. I have to go over it step by step by step. Forget about going fast and furious with me when covering something basic. If you speed along and don't give me time to process I can promise you that I'm not going to get it. Despite all of this, I have the ability to pick up foreign languages in about a week or so. I see music in a way that I have a hard time explaining. But the only way I know how is it is like I am seeing an old player piano, the keys move but no one is playing it. I see that for a lot musical instruments, 99% of the time I can play what I hear (and see). I don't know how I can or why I can, it's just the way my brain works. Can I do something as simple as read music though? Not very easily.

It's so weird because I used to be a public speaker a long time ago. And I would love to get back into the whole motivational speaking thing. I suppose I would be ok because I would have a very well planned speech in front of me. But what if there were question and answers? What if my brain decides to freeze up on me like it does and I can't process the simplest of things? Am I supposed to sign "I'm sorry but my brain is not working with my mouth and whatever I say probably won't make a dearn bit of sense to you?" Most people in the audience would probably not know American Sign Language, unless I was speaking to the deaf and hard of hearing in the first place.

It always seems to be the simplest things for me. Reading and comprehending directions. Trying to explain what I don't understand. Attempting to talk about how I feel. It is the simplest of things that shuts my brain down where I sit there unable to speak because I just can't. I know all of you will say "Go to the doctor." Seriously, this doesn't happen enough for me to justify a doctor visit. Besides? How would I explain it? I would get looked at like I'm nuts and that happens enough for me. So here I am sitting here crying because I can't understand the directions I am supposed to be following tomorrow when I go to a job interview. Sometimes I just can't get it and it's so frustrating because I want to understand. It would be one thing if I couldn't understand German while playing the piano and chewing gum all at once. But no, I can't understand directions because my brain just won't let it happen. And I can't explain what I don't understand.

Who knows if this post even makes sense? I don't know right now, I'm so tried and frustrated and I'm crying because I can't understand. And my sister is texting me telling me to look stuff up on VDOT. My brain is about to blow up and I'm supposed to navigate the VDOT website? Yeah, that's a genius thought.