On The Lupie Side Of The Street

Never in my wildest dreams would I have said I wanted a career in the medical field. I never would have dreamed of myself working at a doctor's office or a hospital. But I feel my experiences have changed my way of thinking. I've been seriously considering it and honestly at this point in my life, I can't see myself doing anything else. As much as I am interested in social work, I can't see myself doing it. As much as I understand world religions, I can't see myself telling others what to believe. Sure, I'm amazing when it comes to foreign languages but I just don't see myself teaching them. Maybe it's taken three years of some really tough life experiences in order to figure it out? I'm beginning to think that my time hasn't been wasted. For a while I've felt like my life has been wasted because it's taken so long to get me put back together. But maybe, just maybe that isn't true?

I'm debating between working as a radiology tech, phlebotomist, or having a job in medical administration. Of course all three I would have to go back to school for. Which I don't mind once I get a job and I have money to pay for college. I feel like this is the right career move for me. I feel like for once, I am making a choice that will lead me in the right direction. It will impact not only me but those whom I am able to help in the process. I'm not cut out to do any of the past careers I have thought I could do. But I'm fairly sure I am cut out for this. Of course I will have to wait for the excitement in my heart to die down. I need to be sure that this is what I really want before I act on it.

I had another job interview today. I won't say whether it went good or bad because honestly I don't know. Whenever I think something goes well, it turns out to never end well. If I think something went poorly, usually it ends great. Right now though, I just don't know. Also I'm worried about insurance because mine runs out when I'm 25. I can't afford private insurance on my own either. If I let my insurance lapse, I'll never be able to get insurance again with my pre-existing conditions. My Mom and I are trying to figure out if I can stay on her insurance after I'm 25 and what that entails. Would I have to be declared disabled?

In the grand scheme of lupus, mine probably isn't that bad. Does it look bad to my family and everyone else who surrounds me? Probably. I tell my rheumatologist that I am really tired but he still thinks I can work full time because I'm "peppy." Fatigue is the number one thing on my list. Then comes joint pain, then muscle pain, and toss in my cognitive dysfunctions and I'm a big bucket of fun! Well, once I get a job I'll see what I can do. If I can work, then I'll work and I will be more than happy to. But if I can't, well I can't and something will have to work out. Right now this and everything else in my life seems to be up in the air. Maybe things will work in my favor and one by one things will land in the right order. So that's what I'm hoping for.

I feel like I need a miracle after miracle after miracle. I feel bad because I know there are people who are worse off than me. Maybe I shouldn't hope but I don't have a choice anymore. All I have left is hope that waivers when the wind blows. People think I'm so strong when I'm weak. Everyone thinks my faith is amazing when it's actually quite unremarkable. Lots of people assume about me, anything ranging from the good, the bad, and the flat out ugly. And most of it probably isn't true, I'm nothing great. I'm just your average gal with some not so average problems trying to make an above life for herself.

Oh, and I can't wait till August. I won't give any specifics on that. Except I'll get to see a person whom I haven't seen in what feels like an eternity (I'm talking years). We talk often, well not really talk, but we text message each other. And life has thrown us in separate directions but for one day it will be like old times, except better. Partially because we are both older and probably not as stupid as the younger versions of ourselves. It will only be one day of my life but it will probably be the highlight of my summer. Unless of course I get a job, I get to keep my insurance without filing for disability, and my mouth gets fixed. But even then, this still might trump it all. It's funny how one person can mean the world to someone. It's even funnier that I have a person like that in my life. And you know what the funniest thing is? I don't think anything will ever come of it because life will again throw us in separate directions.