Help, I Need Hope

9:21 PM Posted In , , Edit This 2 Comments »
This past week has been incredibly difficult. I have been faced with insurance challenges, health troubles, and a streak of bad luck. This week has made me cry, scream, hate myself, hate the world, and question the entire way of the universe. I sat on my floor, alone, curled up in a ball yelling to absolutely no one "I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I JUST CANNOT UNDERSTAND ANYMORE!" I feel like tears have been constantly streaming down my face, I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions.

I feel so frightened, so alone, and as much as I hate to say this, so hopeless. My world has been turned upside down and shaken like a snow globe. Nothing is as it was and nothing will ever be as I think it should be. Just as I think I'm getting a small bit of my life together, it's gets snatched away from me, smashed, and I'm left with a few crumbled bits. I keep thinking to myself "What happened to my life?"

I'm laying here in bed bruised emotionally and physically. The thought that has been rolling through my mind today is "What's the point?" I'm being told to gain weight because I'm severely underweight. What's the point? I mean come November 28th, 2010 my insurance might be running out. Without my pills, lupus will ravage my body, my organs won't hold up. What's the point of torturing my digestive tract in order to gain weight? What's the point of taking all of these pills now if I won't have them come November? What's the point of me having to try to breathe on my nights when I am so sick and in so much pain, I can hardly speak? Why can't I quit now?

Please, someone tell me, what is the point?

I am exhausted all the time and I am running out of the strength. What is the point? I feel so alone all the time and I just wish someone could swoop in and fix all of this. I never thought I would be sick, for the rest of my life. I know I have it lucky, there are people in this world who have it so much more worse than me. Some people don't have a roof over their head or food to eat. Others can't survive without machines to move blood and oxygen through their body. I know I am lucky. But now, RIGHT NOW, my life feels beyond difficult.

I feel as if I cannot go on. I need hope.

Some people have asked me this week what they can do to help. I told people to pray, to pray for those who have it worse than me. Because their spirits may be gone, for good. But the more I think about it and I hate myself for saying this, I need money. It's expensive to be me, anyone with any sort of chronic illness understands. My life is not spent buying new clothes or expensive electronics. It's spent trying to figure out how to pay for the basic necessities I need to survive. I am not asking for a hand out, I am not able to do that yet. I do make candy though, you may have seen me as @Econfections on Twitter. If you live in the metro Richmond, Virginia area and would like hand made candy, please contact me either on my blog, Twitter, or at

You have no idea how badly I hate myself for putting this advertisement up about my candy. But making candy once a week gives me a little bit of hope. It's the one thing I know how to do, it does wear me out, but it makes me a little happy. When you buy my candy, it helps to pay for my basic needs that keep me alive for another week. For now, it's the one thing that gives me the smallest bit of hope.

I'm losing strength, I'm questioning myself, I need help, and I need hope. Please help me find my hope again. I need to know that there is a point behind this misery