For My Nieces

9:48 PM Posted In , Edit This 2 Comments »
As most of you know, life has been rough. In between unresolved health problems, crazy insurance issues, and feeling so lost and hopeless, I've been a mess. But today I went to go see my two "nieces." Even if it was just for a few hours, I felt more centered and calmer than I've felt in the past few weeks.

I needed to see them today. I know that no matter what happens in my life, I know these two little girls will be there to greet me when I walk through their door. The baby, Jacqueline, she just wants to be held right now. She is so heavy in my arms, I have a hard time walking around while holding her, which seems to be her favorite. It hurts my arms, shoulders, lungs, and heart, I feel pain everywhere when I hold her. But when I hold Jacqueline, none of that matters because in that moment I know she needs me. She is such a trooper too, I've seen her fight and that sort of spirit is something that can never be extinguished.

My other niece, Caroline, she always is so excited to see me. She always wants to hug, sing the ABC's, climb all over me, and color. Caroline reminds me a lot about myself. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She has a mind of her own, very strong willed, even if it does get her in trouble. Caroline never gets tired of me, every time she sees me it's as if I'm a brand new toy. She knows my name, she says it like "Eh-kah" and it melts my heart every time. I see her growing up more and more each day. She is growing into her spirit and I love and accept every part of who she is. I always will.

I never thought I could love two children as much as I love Jacqueline and Caroline. But I do. I know I could never have children of my own but I'm OK with that. Because I have two lovely girls in my life who give me more love and more joy than I could ever dream of. Through all of these struggles I've been experiencing, Jacqueline and Caroline are a little thought in the back of my mind. Jacqueline had to be such a fighter in the beginning, she fought when she barely knew how to live in this world. How come I'm not fighting like that? Caroline is so strong, almost fierce, nothing knocks her down for very long. How come I'm not getting back up like she is?

I need to take a little lesson from my "nieces." I need to stay strong throughout all of this, living a life with chronic health problems is like being on a roller coaster all the time. I need to fight when I feel like I can barely survive in the world. When I fall down, I need to have a little cry, get back up, and keep on going.

Jacqueline and Caroline, I hope one day you can read this and know how much you have both changed my life.