On The Lupie Side Of The Street

As most of you know, life has been rough. In between unresolved health problems, crazy insurance issues, and feeling so lost and hopeless, I've been a mess. But today I went to go see my two "nieces." Even if it was just for a few hours, I felt more centered and calmer than I've felt in the past few weeks.

I needed to see them today. I know that no matter what happens in my life, I know these two little girls will be there to greet me when I walk through their door. The baby, Jacqueline, she just wants to be held right now. She is so heavy in my arms, I have a hard time walking around while holding her, which seems to be her favorite. It hurts my arms, shoulders, lungs, and heart, I feel pain everywhere when I hold her. But when I hold Jacqueline, none of that matters because in that moment I know she needs me. She is such a trooper too, I've seen her fight and that sort of spirit is something that can never be extinguished.

My other niece, Caroline, she always is so excited to see me. She always wants to hug, sing the ABC's, climb all over me, and color. Caroline reminds me a lot about myself. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She has a mind of her own, very strong willed, even if it does get her in trouble. Caroline never gets tired of me, every time she sees me it's as if I'm a brand new toy. She knows my name, she says it like "Eh-kah" and it melts my heart every time. I see her growing up more and more each day. She is growing into her spirit and I love and accept every part of who she is. I always will.

I never thought I could love two children as much as I love Jacqueline and Caroline. But I do. I know I could never have children of my own but I'm OK with that. Because I have two lovely girls in my life who give me more love and more joy than I could ever dream of. Through all of these struggles I've been experiencing, Jacqueline and Caroline are a little thought in the back of my mind. Jacqueline had to be such a fighter in the beginning, she fought when she barely knew how to live in this world. How come I'm not fighting like that? Caroline is so strong, almost fierce, nothing knocks her down for very long. How come I'm not getting back up like she is?

I need to take a little lesson from my "nieces." I need to stay strong throughout all of this, living a life with chronic health problems is like being on a roller coaster all the time. I need to fight when I feel like I can barely survive in the world. When I fall down, I need to have a little cry, get back up, and keep on going.

Jacqueline and Caroline, I hope one day you can read this and know how much you have both changed my life.

This past week has been incredibly difficult. I have been faced with insurance challenges, health troubles, and a streak of bad luck. This week has made me cry, scream, hate myself, hate the world, and question the entire way of the universe. I sat on my floor, alone, curled up in a ball yelling to absolutely no one "I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I JUST CANNOT UNDERSTAND ANYMORE!" I feel like tears have been constantly streaming down my face, I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions.

I feel so frightened, so alone, and as much as I hate to say this, so hopeless. My world has been turned upside down and shaken like a snow globe. Nothing is as it was and nothing will ever be as I think it should be. Just as I think I'm getting a small bit of my life together, it's gets snatched away from me, smashed, and I'm left with a few crumbled bits. I keep thinking to myself "What happened to my life?"

I'm laying here in bed bruised emotionally and physically. The thought that has been rolling through my mind today is "What's the point?" I'm being told to gain weight because I'm severely underweight. What's the point? I mean come November 28th, 2010 my insurance might be running out. Without my pills, lupus will ravage my body, my organs won't hold up. What's the point of torturing my digestive tract in order to gain weight? What's the point of taking all of these pills now if I won't have them come November? What's the point of me having to try to breathe on my nights when I am so sick and in so much pain, I can hardly speak? Why can't I quit now?

Please, someone tell me, what is the point?

I am exhausted all the time and I am running out of the strength. What is the point? I feel so alone all the time and I just wish someone could swoop in and fix all of this. I never thought I would be sick, for the rest of my life. I know I have it lucky, there are people in this world who have it so much more worse than me. Some people don't have a roof over their head or food to eat. Others can't survive without machines to move blood and oxygen through their body. I know I am lucky. But now, RIGHT NOW, my life feels beyond difficult.

I feel as if I cannot go on. I need hope.

Some people have asked me this week what they can do to help. I told people to pray, to pray for those who have it worse than me. Because their spirits may be gone, for good. But the more I think about it and I hate myself for saying this, I need money. It's expensive to be me, anyone with any sort of chronic illness understands. My life is not spent buying new clothes or expensive electronics. It's spent trying to figure out how to pay for the basic necessities I need to survive. I am not asking for a hand out, I am not able to do that yet. I do make candy though, you may have seen me as @Econfections on Twitter. If you live in the metro Richmond, Virginia area and would like hand made candy, please contact me either on my blog, Twitter, or at Econfections@gmail.com

You have no idea how badly I hate myself for putting this advertisement up about my candy. But making candy once a week gives me a little bit of hope. It's the one thing I know how to do, it does wear me out, but it makes me a little happy. When you buy my candy, it helps to pay for my basic needs that keep me alive for another week. For now, it's the one thing that gives me the smallest bit of hope.

I'm losing strength, I'm questioning myself, I need help, and I need hope. Please help me find my hope again. I need to know that there is a point behind this misery

I have had the week from hell. When I mean hell, I mean H-E-L-L. It has been absolutely horrific, one thing right after another. I've been having pretty severe chest pains for a bit of time now and I finally went to the doctor for it. If you didn't know, I'm very much a grin and bear it person. Turns out my heart is a tad bit swollen, I can totally thank lupus for that one. I also got x-ray results back today and I am now the proud owner of a lovely case of costochondritis. Again, thank you lupus.

To make matters worse, in the hustle and bustle of running around the hospital getting tests done, I lost my high school class ring. You're probably thinking "A high school class ring, big deal?" I wear very few pieces of jewelry and I've worn this one ring every day since high school. I loved my ring and without it, I feel like a horrible person. I cannot believe I was stupid enough to lose one of my favorite pieces of jewelry. I could get it replaced but it won't be the same. This ring has gone on so many mission trips, it's been through so many hours of community service, it's gone to Europe! It's been through first love, lost love, and there's no way this could be love. I feel like I lost a little piece of myself and I keep beating myself up for losing it.

But in the midst of all of this pain, I've been trying to keep my spirits up. My friend M&M was cutting my hair the other day and I was talking about a new plan. I wanted to start knitting scarves for the homeless once I had a steady source of income. My plan was to start knitting in the spring and summer, trying to knit one scarf a week. I was going to donate the scarves to be given out to homeless people so they could stay warm in the fall, winter, and early spring. I feel so sad for the homeless people on a really cold night because a lot of them have no where to go. They aren't as lucky as me, they don't have anywhere to go to warm up and take the chill off.

M&M started talking about how she wanted to tithe but she wasn't sure where she wanted to tithe to. I started listing a bunch of local organizations and charities that could definitely benefit from financial donations. Every organization I listed got shot down, finally she tells me she wants to buy my yarn. It all fell into place, every week she would give me a bit of money and I would buy the yarn and knit the scarves. It felt perfect to me, it was like a gift was being given to me. With M&M's help, I'll be able to help keep so many homeless people warm next winter. Thank you M&M for helping me make my dream possible, I couldn't do this without you.

So as much as I've had a week from hell, I'm well aware it could be much worse. On a night like tonight when it is freezing cold, I could be homeless and chilled to the bone. I could be sleeping on a bench instead of on my comfortable bed. I could be out in the bitter cold, shielding myself from the wind in an alley, but I'm in my room with my mini heater on. Sure I'm exhausted, in pain, and worn down to the bone. But every single homeless person out there tonight is exhausted, in pain, worn down to the bone, and they have to stay out in the cold. Hopefully by next winter M&M and I will be able to make the lives of homeless people a bit more bearable.

I think M&M and I desperately needed this little piece of hope, knowing that we are making a difference. Our scarves are going to change lives. While having a swollen heart and costochondritis is going to change my life, I can still do good things. I can still help others. I can still be the Erika I want to be with help from my dearest friends.

Every couple of years I like to get a new travel mug. My beloved old one with penguins in a snow scene that is printed on a metallic background is getting cracked and leaky. As much as I hate to see it go, I also dislike pouring hot tea on myself on accident. Luckily the great breaking of the travel mug coincided with a holiday that I know and love, Christmas. For the past few months, I've been lusting after a particular travel mug found at most Starbucks locations. Being in the land of the unemployed made the mug seem just out of reach for me. I felt like it wasn't meant to be for me but maybe for someone else?

In sub-Saharan Africa, 22 million people live with HIV. 22 million people, can you even begin to think about that number in your head? It's huge, it's mind boggling, but it isn't just a number. Each number stands for a person, a person with a heart who is holding onto their last bit of hope. They don't have the resources like we have to go to a hospital, to get medication, to stay alive for another day. I understand that our health care system is currently in shambles, but what the people in Africa are enduring is far worse.

I made the decision this evening that the travel mug that would make me the happiest would be the Product (RED) travel mug from Starbucks. I understand that only $1 US dollar goes towards fighting AIDS in Africa, but it is better than nothing. For 40 cents a day, two antiretroviral pills can be provided to a person living with HIV. In reality, my travel mug provided two and a half days worth of treatment for one person living with HIV. Two and a half days, big deal right? Well think about all of the other Product (RED) items that are being purchased around the world? Those dollars add up, they can provide a person with an extra day of a healthy life. Being chronically ill, I understand the importance of having one day when I feel completely healthy. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering a person endures while living with HIV, especially not in Africa.

My contribution may be small to this global effort, but I made a conscious effort. I decided that I could purchase any travel mug in a certain price range, but I chose to purchase this mug. I know my donation from my mug will not bring an immediate end to the AIDS crisis around the world. But I hope that with my tiny donation, it will help to keep one person alive for two and a half days. I hope that other people's purchases will help to keep that one person, but other people alive for many more days. Maybe, just maybe, one of those people will be able to come up with an idea, changing the rules of this cruel game, and maybe save the world from this global epidemic.

I may not be saving the world, but I could be saving the one person who could save the world.

I am quite possibly one of the biggest Christmas fanatics you could ever meet. I'm the type who starts looking forward to Christmas in October. I'm one of those people who puts up the Christmas tree and decorations on Thanksgiving day. I love Christmas music and I listen to the local radio station that plays it constantly through Christmas day beginning on Thanksgiving. I enjoy Christmas crafts, like making my candy cane reindeer. I love to hand craft the Christmas presents for my friends and family. Christmas for me evokes so many wonderful feelings that fill me with joy.

For me though, Christmas isn't really about the anticipation, decorations, music, crafts, and presents. Christmas has such a deeper meaning to me, for me Christmas is about hope. Christmas gives me a sense of hope that I try to carry with me all year long. I hope for Christmas when I feel like I am trapped in my body of sickness. I hope for Christmas when I feel that nothing in my life is going right. I hope for Christmas when I need my heart to be filled with joy right at that exact moment. The thought of Christmas has carried me through many horrible times that I probably wouldn't have survived without my Christmas hope.

This year the only present I truly want is the gift of having enough hope to last me until next Christmas. I need hope to carry me through the rest of the winter when I tend to get my sickest. I need hope to carry me through the spring when I am looking for a sense of renewal in my life. I need hope in the summer to give me the energy to enjoy the extra time I get to spend with friends and family. I need hope in the autumn in order to truly appreciate the beautiful colors that the fall foliage brings. I especially need hope at Christmas, hope that the excitement for it will never fade year after year. Christmas is the one time of year where I truly get excited about life. I'm thrilled that it is finally my favorite time of year. I'm ecstatic that because of all the hope I am filled with I feel the amazing feeling of joy.

So instead of coming up with a Christmas list a mile long, try to think of the one thing that is going to carry you throughout the year. What is the one thing you absolutely cannot live without? I'm fairly certain it's not going to be a flat screen television, a Blu-Ray DVD player, or a video game console. I'm pretty sure that it is going to be something that is felt in your heart, that is unique to you, and you need it more than you think. Let that one thing carry you along through the year, comfort your soul in hard times, bring peace to your life always, and let it fill your heart with joy forever.

Happy Holidays to all of my blog readers!

This morning I was in the shower and I was shampooing my hair for the second time, yes, I always wash my hair twice. I realized in that moment how much I love the way my hair feels during that second shampoo. How the tendrils of my hair intertwine with the sudsy white mass that covers my scalp. In that moment, everything feels so smooth, clean, and simply perfect. It got me thinking that I should make a list of my favorite things. In a way, it's a giant reminder of what I should be thankful for but I'm not always. Because in reality, not everyone has these favorite things, not everyone is given the opportunity to experience each one. So here it is, a blog entry having nothing to do with my life with lupus. Instead, a blog entry that has everything to do with my life and what makes me happy.

1. Shampooing my hair for the second time.
2. Remembering the taste of ginger ale on my tongue, how the bubbles tickled my mouth.
3. Perfumes with strong orange notes.
4. Freshly chopped cilantro, the aroma is intoxicating to me.
5. Water, I love the way water tastes, always pure and refreshing.
6. The texture of cold press watercolor paper.
7. Carr's Table Water crackers.
8. The giddy feelings I get when I receive a happy email, phone call, or text message from close friends.
9. Scrapbooks, scrapbooks make me very, very happy.
10. Scarves and fedoras, something about it seems classic to me. I could be terribly wrong? But who cares!
11. Green tea first thing in the morning.
12. Taking photographs of anything, it makes whatever the subject is significant in my eyes.
    
13. Music, anything goes. I love it when a song floats through the air, enters my heart, and sings to my soul.
14. Goofy dancing in the car, not while driving of course! Passenger dancing only!
15. Dreaming up recipes and seeing the finished product in my head.
16. Making cards and giving them to my friends.
17. Origami.
18. Reading a good book while listening to music.
19. Being in the kitchen, alone, and cooking whatever my heart desires.
20. Having Amy Winehouse stream into my ears via my iPod while shopping at Ukrops.
21. My t-shirt quilt.
22. Mondays.
23. Shredded wheat with unsweetened soy milk.
24. Anything having to do with Christmas. Crafts, carols, cookies.
25. The fingering that Regina Spektor does on the piano.
26. Lotion, I have incredibly dry skin.
27. Febreze and Lysol, if only the two could be combined?
28. Glitter pens, go ahead and call me a 13 year old girl.
29. Pandora Radio.
30. Thinking of Panama and everything I accomplished there. FYI: Used to be a missionary.
31. Penguins.
32. My closest friends who are always so dear to my heart. Ariel, Ashley, Michelle, Michele, and Jake.
33. When my Mom and I go shopping together.
34. The rare moment when my sister, Lindsay, and I don't fight.
35. Netflix.
36. Remembering the sweet, chocolate smoothness of a Galaxy chocolate bar melting in my mouth. Each taste captivating my senses.
37. My birthday.
38. Flowers, especially orange ones.
39. Fuzzy socks.
40. Crossword puzzles, especially when done with an amazing friend.
41. A violin and piano duet.
42. Snow, even flurries get me excited!
43. Being an industrious mouse.
44. The comfort of my own bed, it's fantastic. The right balance of softness and firmness, cushioning my body, cradling my aching muscles and bones.
45. Singing when I'm all alone.
46. Knowing that someone, somewhere, might be thinking of me, might be loving me, at the exact moment when I need it the most.

This afternoon I was hanging out with a really close friend. While I haven't known her for a very long period of time, only four months or so, I feel like I've known her forever. We were sitting outside in the shade in front of a Starbucks enjoying our iced green teas. At some point during our conversation the topic of my health came up. She made two comments that really stuck with me throughout the evening.

"I didn't realize how sick you really are."

And.

"I don't know how you even manage to leave the house?"

Most people judge my sickness based on my outward appearance. Some days I do look physically ill, some people go as far to say that my skin takes on a greenish hue. Occasionally if I'm not wearing makeup, I'll notice how dark my skin gets around my eyes. My face will be pale and my lips will have no color. But most days I don't physically look sick, I put on makeup, I'll put a smile on my face, and no one would know unless I told them. Appearances can be deceiving, I may look like your typical 23 year old on the outside but on the inside I'm not. My body is older than my actual age. My muscles, joints, organs, and soft tissues are more damaged than someone who is in their 60's. People forget how destructive auto-immune disorders can be. Even with medication it doesn't control all of the horrible effects, it doesn't halt the progression of the disease. It's like putting a band-aid on a penetration wound, it doesn't do the job.

Once in a while I forget how sick I am because sometimes I feel as OK as I'm going to get. Sometimes I don't feel sick to my stomach, my muscles don't burn, my joints don't ache, my organs don't hurt, my head doesn't pound, my brain isn't in a fog, I'm not exhausted, and I feel as if I could conquer the world. Once in a while I can have a full day and forget that my body is as messed up as it is. I love those days, I cherish those days, those days give me a reason to keep going, not to up and quit because I am so tired of trying when life barely gives me a break. But I know that I can never have a break from life, if I break from life, that's it, it's over. I wouldn't have the strength to come back, I would fade away and be lost forever. So those good days make me want to push on through all of the pain and heartache my body causes me. They are little pieces of hope that I carefully cradle in my hand as if it were a butterfly, being careful not to hurt the wings. Eventually that hope has to fly away but I never forget the feeling it leaves in my heart.

When it comes to leaving the house, some days I don't. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed and go downstairs to get a bottle of water. Honestly, some days I'm barely alive and I'm well aware of it, I'm hanging on by that little piece of hope. But not every day is absolutely horrific, most days are bad but I choose not to show it. I have to put on my brave face, not just for others but also for myself. Sometimes I have to fake it until I make it, I convince myself that if I look and act OK that I will eventually feel OK. Some days I have to leave the house and face the world with an open heart, no matter how much it pains me. If I don't leave the house I would be letting lupus win, I would be saying "You know what? You own me, you have imprisoned me." Lupus doesn't own me, I own me, I make the decisions and so no matter how scary life gets, I have to keep going. I have to step outside, face each day, and convince myself that I will be OK even though I'm well aware at the end of the day I may not be. This is my life, I can't change it, and the only choice I give myself is to manage it all to the best of my ability.

A lot of people think I'm extraordinarily brave because of this. I'm not, I'm no braver than any of you reading this. I'm sick but I am also lucky enough to have moments where I completely forget how screwed up my body is. I face a lot of daunting situations and my life is full of what if's? But it's a life, a life that a couple of years ago I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to have. When faced with a life that isn't exactly picture perfect all you can do is stand up and fight for each day. It doesn't make me brave, it makes me just like you. We all fight for each day, some of us in different ways than others. But we all have to fight in a way that is difficult for us. Bravery isn't based on the difficulty of the challenge we are trying to overcome. It's about reaching inside of yourself and despite being scared to death, you push on. You fight with all of your strength and even when you want to quit, you make that defining choice to keep living.

So no matter how sick I am, I'm going to be brave. I'm going to wake up each day and face the world as best as I can. If all I can do is make it down the stairs and up again, so be it because it was my personal best. If I have the ability to make it out of the house, I will. And if I'm really lucky, I'll forget for a moment how sick I really am. With a little hope and bravery I'll keep moving on. That is how I'll do it.

Today when I was at work I was given the task of going outside and rearranging items and cleaning everything. I was thinking to myself how much my life has changed, how much I have changed. I am not the same person that I was back in 2006, when I was somewhat healthy. My life was taken from underneath my feet, it was then crumpled up, and shoved in a trashcan. I was the the "no hope" case. But yet, here I am today and my life has changed. I am extremely thankful for my life because I'm technically a little bit of a miracle.

And I feel horrible about this but I was thinking about how some days I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like it's my fault that I got sick, I feel like I did something wrong to have this happen to me. I feel like I'm not a good enough person and that maybe I'm disposable. I was thinking about how great my life was before I got sick, I had an amazing job, I was in college, I had tons of friends, and all of my family loved me. But then once I got sick, everything changed. I couldn't hold a job, there was no way I could handle school, and a lot of my friends up and left me. Some of my family even turned against me. It's like when you're sick you almost become a liability and no one wants to be around you. And you feel so alone in the first place but when people up and leave, you think it's your fault.

There's a little girl I know, she's barely a toddler and I wanted to tell her something so badly today. I wanted to tell her to eat her vegetables, take a vitamin when she's old enough, and do everything her parents tell her to do. I was going to warn her not to smoke or do drugs, drink only in moderation and never drive when she does so. I wanted to tell her to do well in school, to stand up for herself, and do the right thing no matter what. I wanted to tell her never, ever to get sick with something that can't be cured. But if ever she did, to never lose hope because hope will always carry you through.

I wanted to tell her all this because once you get sick, you can never have your old life back. And you dream about it, you want it back so badly, it's gone though, forever. Most of all, I wanted to tell her not to be like me. Here I am, 23 years old, working a job that is just above minimum wage. I can't do the same work I used to do which is restaurant work. I have only two goals for each day, to make it through and to be a good person. I'm trying to get my life in order but it's really hard when nothing seems to go right. It frustrates me that I had my entire life planned out and none of it went as planned. I'm having to start over because most everything I had was taken away. I want her life to be better than mine. But she has so many more years to go and it will be years before she ever understands any of this.

So here I was complaining to myself about my life and basically how I want my old one back. I was then given a huge slap in the face by the universe. I reminded that when you least expect it, it could all be over. I remembered how my life should have been over but I kept going, no one was going to tell me when I should give up. Life is weird like that, right when you feel the worst about yourself you are reminded in the worst way to buckle up and get over it. That's what I'm trying to do, I'm getting over the fact that I can't have my old life back. I will never be the same person, I will always be sick, but at least for now I have my life. And I need to be ok with that, I need to be ok with the fact that at least I have a job. I need to be thankful that at least I have a few relatives and friends who love me. I need to remind myself that it could be so much worse and there is always someone who is suffering more. I need to tell myself that no matter what, I'm going to be ok and one day I'm going to be a great person who does amazing things for others.

In a way, I'm lucky, I got a second chance at life. I get the chance to be the person I couldn't be the first time around. I can be whoever I want to be, not what other people think I should be. And I'm becoming that person, I'm learning to be happy when I'm happy, sad when I'm sad. I'm learning to say what I feel when I feel it. I'm understanding that it's good to smile but it's also ok to cry. I'm letting people in my life instead of blocking them out with The Great Wall of Erika.

I had my "bitch" moment earlier today and it's ok, it's done now. I am moving on and making new memories that I may not remember, but at least I can live in the moment.

Over the weekend, a really good friend of mine bought be a present. I didn't know what to expect when I was told I was getting one. So I was surprised when I was handed a small slip of paper. When I looked to see what it was, I saw it was a lottery ticket. A mega millions ticket where the estimated jackpot is $94,000,000. You're probably thinking big deal? Right? Well, you're wrong.

This lottery ticket expresses hope to me. Realistically I know that I have a snow ball's chance in hell of winning. I know that I don't deserve to win that much money either. But to me, this lottery ticket gives me a little bit hope. I have a little slip of paper that could possibly change my life. I have a chance that might enable me to make my dreams and the dreams of others come true. It may be a minuscule chance, but a little something has to be better than nothing?

You know what means more to me than the chance of winning? Yesterday was my first day of expressing how I truly felt. I was honest, raw, emotional, I was every thing I wanted to be! I was given this ticket on my first day of being me. It almost felt as if it said "Congratulations on making it through your first day. For just being you." This ticket gives me hope, it shows me that even though the odds are against me, I could just win. The odds are against me in most aspects of my life but there is a chance that something, somewhere is going to give. That I will win a battle!

I'm already winning a battle too. I'm fighting against being so unemotional all the time. I'm fighting against not being who everyone wants me to be. It's difficult not throwing on a fake smile or hiding how I really feel. Right now though, I'm dead dog tired, it's been a long and emotional past few days. But I feel I've made a lot of breakthroughs. I have reached inside myself and in a way that has helped me to reach out with others.

Me and my little lottery ticket of hope are going to hope. We're going to hope that my life changes, whether or not I win. We're going to hope that I am able to consistently make changes that positively impact me first of all, others second. I've put other people's needs in front of mine for so long now it has caused damage. It is time for that to change, the change is coming for me. I'm not going to be the same girl who I was last week. And next week I am not going to be the same girl who I am this week. I am going to change, evolve, and become the woman I want to be.

I also never thought of the 28th of a month as a particularly lucky number, but now I do. I just remembered the reason why I think my Grandpa waited until April 28th to die. April 27th is my half birthday and he was the one who celebrated it with me. I would get a little card or a phone call wishing me a happy half Birthday. It was our little thing, our little secret that no one else cared about. And even though he couldn't call to wish me a happy 18 1/2 birthday, he stayed alive for it. He waited until early in the morning of the 28th to die. I honestly think he knew how much it meant to me. Even though I couldn't be there with him in his final hours, he knew. I don't think he could let himself die on our secret day. And on my lottery ticket, the first number is 28. It feels like a sign to me.

I'm going to save this lottery ticket no matter what.

So... I know I went AWOL and I apologize to all of my faithful readers. It isn't that life has been busy, I simply have not felt like writing. I think that most bloggers have their own periods of absence because that is the way life works. I haven't been inspired to write, or to even create art! I've been pretty down in the dumps until recently. Drum roll please... I have a job! Now before you go jumping on your bed, hitting your head on the ceiling, and ending up with a concussion, let me tell you the deal. It's temporary and I'm a floater, I come in to work as needed. I'm working at a local business that is right down the street from where I live which is convenient for me. I'm hoping that somehow, someway I will become permanent because of my lovely work ethic. I worked my first day on Friday and I was surprised that I was able to last for 7 hours!

I've had a quote in my mind for the past few weeks. I think about it day in and day out and right now it means so much to me. "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" This quote is by Robert H. Schuller who was an American televangelist who created the Hour of Power. Now I am not a fan of church on television, but I'm a big fan of this quote. What would I do if I knew I wouldn't fail? I would pack up shop, go down to Panama and do mission work. I would take odd jobs to make ends meet, I would then spend the rest of the time helping others. I would work at churches and schools in the area, helping the youth to become everything they can be. I would tutor, build, inspire, care, I would do it all! Now I'm not worried about failing at the mission work, but I'm worried about my health. I'm worried that my health would fail, that everything would go to pieces, and I would be too sick to stay down there.

One day though I'm going to make it back down there. I have a lot of stuff I have to get worked on first. I need to get everything fixed and under control before I take such a big risk. I can't leave the country with my life constantly changing. I need to get sealed, sewed, covered, capped, replaced, and so much more. It seems like every day something in me is falling apart or breaking, every day it's something that may not be able to be fixed. And every day I'm expected to keep going with a smile on my face when I'm facing failure. Every day a little part of me fails and I have to be chipper about it. I don't have a choice but to go on without complaining too much. Seriously, the only time I really complain about my health is on this blog.

Some days, well most days actually, I want to scream because I want life to be fair. I want to be normal, happy, healthy, I don't want my crappy genetics and auto-immune disorders. I want to be the person who can get by with a couple of Tylenol every few months. I want to be able to get by with just brushing my teeth without flossing or mouth wash. I want to be able to forget about the sun when I go outside. I want to be my age instead of feeling like I'm middle aged! I want to be normal, or at least what I think normal should be.

Y'all want some more happy news? My Dad has talked to me (or at me) a lot here lately. On Friday night when I got home from work, I got invited out to dinner with my parents which never usually happens. He talked to me in the car, at the restaurant, and on the way home. Now were the questions directed towards me? Not really, but it felt like I was able to speak up. Did I say anything of importance? No. Did I tell him how 99.9% of the time he sucks at being a Dad? Nope. I just kept my mouth shut and stayed civilized because I do everything I can to be a good daughter. Maybe he will keep up this good trend? Maybe just maybe he'll become the Dad he used to be and less of the distant man who lives in my house.

I'm really excited about tomorrow, I'm going to the Virginia Holocaust Museum. My Mom and I were supposed to go last summer but we never got around to it. I have been to the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington D.C. a couple of times. I have also visited the Dachau Concentration Camp Memorial Site in Munich, Germany. But I have never been to the museum here in Richmond, Virginia. The Holocaust fascinates me, intrigues me, it makes me want to learn more whenever I can. I have a hard time understanding how so many people could allow something like that to happen. I'm fascinated because Hitler made so many people believe in lies, in hate, in destruction, yet at the time they didn't know. They were blind to his agenda that gave so many people a false sense of hope.

I'll try to get back on the posting routine. I hope the adventures in my life will translate into interesting blogs. Thanks for reading!

I need to apologize to my readers, here lately I've been down. And when I first started this blog people found my enthusiasm for life invigorating. People thought it was great that I was so bright and cheery about everything, despite what I'm going through. Most of you know that I've been going through a rough time. I'm not really depressed, I'm just so overwhelmed by life that I don't know where to start. I've been searching for jobs every single day and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. I know I'm also not alone when it comes to finding a job. I feel that is what makes it so hard, everyone is fighting for the same jobs and yet there can only be one winner. And I certainly have not been the winner.

I also feel that the lupus has caused some of my mood changes. Apparently that can happen so in a way, it's completely normal or to be expected. I feel that I might feel better once I have a job, once I get a little bit of hope. But right now I feel kind of stuck, I don't know what to do or how to do it. I just want to lead a productive life where I'm able to help others and honestly, I don't know how to go about it. I hope once I get a job I'll be able to volunteer more because by that point, I'll have gas money to get to my destination. I know it will do everyone some good once I'm able to volunteer. If I'm still unhappy after I get a job and after I volunteer then I'll know that it's something that probably needs to be medicated.

You would think that I would be used to be sick by now? I've been sick for quite a few years and it took quite a few years to get a correct diagnosis. I don't know if ever I'll get used to feeling "under par" day in and day out? I have my good days and my bad days and I never feel quite normal like I used to. I always have a general achy feeling, like something isn't quite right and I can't put my finger on it. I'm pretty much always exhausted and I'm expected to function at a normal level. Most days I can handle it but some days I get so frustrated with others because they simply don't understand. And don't even get me started on really bad days because at that point, I probably won't be talking to anyone.

Oh and on a sort of fun note, with my Site Meter I can see where my readers are from. It's nothing specific, don't worry I don't know your names or anything like that. But I have readers from Europe and South America which I think is pretty snazzy. I of course have followers in the United States and a couple in Canada. I want to thank each and every one of you for stopping by and reading my blog. I would love to get some feedback from those of you who haven't commented. If you're shy, don't be! Even if you don't like some parts of my blog let me know why and I'll try to fix it. If you want to follow my blog it's easy to do, just scroll down while looking to the right and find "Followers." All you need is a Google account which is basically a Gmail email address. If you already have one, you're set!

If you haven't read my blog post from yesterday Hoping For Help please do. I know this may be asking for too much but I'm going to go out on a limb. If you have an email account would you considering emailing the link to your friends? These days so many junky emails get forwarded around, could you forward this for me? I know it's not a cute picture of a kitty sitting on top of a dog, or a funny story about an old married couple. But it's my life and I keep hoping that someone will be able to help. If you have Twitter or Facebook could you spread the news across there as well? I promise you that if ever any of you come to me asking for help, I will do everything in my power to help you. I know that doesn't mean very much but I'll do whatever I can to be of assistance.

I'll even make it easy for you, here's the direct link to Hoping For Help, perfect for an email: http://loverlylupieme.blogspot.com/2009/05/hoping-for-help.html
If you wanted to Tweet it or make it part of your Facebook status, here is the shortened URL:
http://bit.ly/2BiJ0c

Please, just take a minute out of your day and do this for me. The favor will be returned to you one of these days, I promise. One day I'll figure out a way to give back to every one of you. Thank you:-)

I hate a hand out, I really do. I am the type of person who would rather work hard and earn what I want instead of it being given to me. Am I grateful if someone gives me something? Of course I am! I am usually so grateful words cannot describe how I feel. I also hate asking for help, I like to believe that I can do it all on my own when I really can't. I try hard though to make it work, even if it is challenging and exhausting. But now I'm going to ask for a big, big favor.

Remember a while back when I was talking about having to put a Kia in my mouth? Well, I still sort of need to. I still need gum grafts even though insurance won't cover them. My insurance company would rather wait until I have absolutely nothing left in my mouth to fix it. I have a feeling their solution would be to give me dentures. I'm 23 years old, I am too young to have to worry about losing my teeth. I have very soft enamel and some of it has eroded away and it hasn't even been my fault I need crowns and laminates to protect my teeth. I'm not like celebrities who get laminates to have a big, pearly white smile. I need them so I can protect my teeth because my body can't work to protect itself. Between genetics and lupus I have a not so happy mouth.

My oral care routine probably beats out one that I dentist does for them self. First I use a Waterpik dental water jet on a low setting to irrigate my mouth. Then I floss to get out any sort of excess debris that the Waterpik wasn't able to get. After that, I use antiseptic mouth wash to help prevent oral diseases. As if that wasn't enough, I use a Sonicare tooth brush to do the final cleaning of my mouth. And my whole routine usually takes between 15-20 minutes. I don't do this routine just once a day, it usually happens three times a day. I have to do it after I eat, every single time. Yeah, it takes a lot of time out of my day but it's that, or lose my teeth at a really young age. I also get to go to the dentist every three months to get my teeth cleaned. People really have no idea how much lupus can affect your oral health. It has impacted mine in unbelievable ways. I have to do everything in my power to preserve my oral health because my body won't do it for me.

I don't consume sugar, acidic foods and beverages, and abrasive foods and beverages. You know what that means? I can't have coffee at Starbucks or a ginger ale when my stomach is upset. I can't eat popcorn because the kernels can cut my gums. I allowed myself to eat cake at a wedding this past spring and I felt so guilty about it. But if it's not a really special occasion, I don't get cake or ice cream like every one else. You have no idea how much sugar is in stuff until you look at the labels. That makes my diet pretty limited. And I have to do it all because my mouth is in shambles at the lovely age of 23. The sad thing is, no matter what I do, unless it gets fixed and maintained, it will probably only get worse.

I need help. I've lived with this mouth for quite a while but I cannot bear to see it get worse. I'm afraid of what will happen if my gums recede even more. Would insurance cover grafts at that point? Probably. But for the sake of my teeth, I can't wait that long. My roots are exposed and that puts me at risk for losing my teeth. Yeah, it's no joke for me. My dentist even jokes saying that I should marry a rich dentist. I should have a frequent flyer card because I visit my dentist more than most. I need every single one of you to get the word out. I keep hoping that maybe someone with a lot of money will read this and be willing to help. I keep thinking a dentist in Richmond, Virginia will read this and say "Well I can donate a crown." I keep wishing a periodontist will say "I'll do a graft." I keep dreaming that a celebrity will say "Let me pay for your laminates."

I don't have a job and I'm trying to get one just like everyone else. My Mom can't afford all the dental work I need. I hate sounding like a sob story and I hate having to ask for help. I hate it even more because I know there are people out there who are worse off than me. But I figure that I have to take the chance, even if people think I'm not deserving. Honestly, I'm probably not deserving. I'm just another person in this world trying to do big things with barely anything and failing at it. One day though when I get back up on my feet, I promise I'll be an amazing person. And I promise that if I can help you in any way, I will. It's just taking me a while to become the person I know I can be.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you to all of my loyal followers, you know who you are. I'm thankful every day that I have a small audience who cares enough to read about my daily life.

I had a fabulous dream last night, it was a dream come true sort of dream. I dreamed that a friend of mine came into a lot of money, and I mean a lot! Now this friend came up to me and gave me a check for $7,000. Crazy, I know! The rule was that I had to pick a charity to give this money to. I was thrilled, ecstatic, overjoyed, I was feeling everything that could be wonderful. I felt in this dream, I remember feeling all of these emotions. The experience of that was just so amazing, it was a feeling that I doubt I will ever experience again.

Now in my dream I chose the Lupus Foundation of America for my charity. There wasn't even a doubt in my mind about it. Choosing the LFA felt so right to me in my heart and mind. The dream didn't last for too much longer though, I remember donating the $7,000 and feeling thrilled about it. I woke up thinking it was real but I quickly snapped back to reality.

Right now I'm missing my days of doing mission work. I wish I could just pack up my things and go to some far away land and work with the people. I wish I could go repair roofs, paint buildings, install screen windows, mix cement, I wish I could do it all! I miss hanging out with the locals and hearing their life stories. I loved every single moment of it, even though at times it was physically and emotionally tolling. How I wish I could go on another mission trip, I miss it all so much!

I believe that people go on mission trips to heal others and in the process they heal themselves. Maybe life has been a bit too unfair lately and I need to be healed? Could that be the reason why all of a sudden I want to hop on a plane and go to a far away location? Probably. I need to feel that I have a purpose in this life. I know once I'll feel better once I get a job. At that point I'll be feeling out the territory and finding my purpose.

For now I'll be residing in this small city, job searching day in and day out. I just keep hoping something works out for me. All I can do is to keep trying, learning, and living. It's hard though to wake up every day and think "Is today the day?" And at the end of the day you realize it wasn't. It's hard to keep hoping when you feel like you don't have much to hope for. I'm having to move into a new career path and it's difficult because I really don't have experience. But I can't work the same jobs I used to because my body won't allow it to happen. Because I have no experience, I can't get a job. So my optimistic self keeps hoping that someone is going to give me a chance. Someone will see my smile and instead of focusing on my resume, they'll focus on my heart. It's all going to work out though, probably not today, tomorrow, or next week, but one day it's going to work out.

I had a fabulous day yesterday, a much needed break. I spent the day hanging out with my sister Lindsay and our friend Michelle. We grilled out munching on delicious kabobs, attempted to swim even though it was way too cold, and sat outside constantly changing the conversation. I was then introduced to a lovely game on Play Station 3, Little Big Planet. At first I didn't understand the concept of the game but once I played, it all sort of made sense. Gaming time was much needed and appreciated, thanks Michelle! When I realized the price of LBP and the PS3 today I realized it is way out of my reach. Is the game fun? Of course! But can I justify the price? Nope. Not when I've got loads of stuff in me that needs to be fixed.

I'm still job hunting, calling places, sending in resumes. Whenever I sort of get a lead I get really excited. But when it doesn't work out, it just sends me down in the pit of despair. Do I stay there for very long? No. It just makes me temporarily feel like I'm not good enough and I can't do anything right. I'm sure every other unemployed person on the face of the earth feels the same way. Even though I try not to stay "down" for very long, it still affects me time after time.

Currently I'm debating on calling the doctor. Even though I was wearing sunscreen yesterday and I was in the shade, the sun really messed with me. I'm beginning to flare and I have some other issues that are not helping. But for the past few weeks I've had a sore throat that hasn't been excruciating, it just hasn't gone away. Now though it's become difficult to swallow, I feel like there is a small ball stuck in the back of my throat. I've had this feeling before and it's always gone away. It doesn't happen all the time either. So knowing my luck by the time I saw a doctor it wouldn't be bothering me at that moment. That's always my luck. I guess if it is still around next week I'll make an appointment. For now I'll grin and bear it.

I wish I had something fabulous and inspirational to say but I'm just exhausted. I feel like my brain has been fried with a side of eggs sunny side up (great mental image). I've been decoupaging a lot here lately when I haven't been job hunting. It's one of those mindless activities that is fun once you get into it. I've unfortunately run out of ordinary household objects to decoupage. I think there might be an old peanut butter jar somewhere? I haven't been exercising a lot here either. As much as I love walking, I just haven't been motivated. It's hard to do something especially when you aren't really seeing results. I guess I'll force myself to do it today if it doesn't start raining.

So here's what I need:

1. The opportunity to change people's lives for the better.
   
2. A job.
3. A really nice dentist willing to donate free dental work (my mouth is a wreck, thanks genetics and Lupus, perfect oral hygiene has gotten me nowhere). Heck, I don't even consume sugar or eat foods that can cause erosion!
   
4. A smidge more energy.
5. This feeling of "something bad's gonna happen" to get rid of itself.

That's all for now! I think I'll feel better with a little bit of hope and a lot of rest.

"What about the normal people?" I often ask myself. What about those people like me who are just down on their luck and need a little help in life? What about us? Who is willing to help us? No one. That sometimes bothers me, the average person who needs a little help, can't get it. Their lives aren't bad enough, they haven't gone through enough, therefore they don't "deserve" help.

Don't get me wrong, I love the folks on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. I think it's fabulous that they get a new home, that is definitely well deserved. Most of them have been through "extreme" challenges, physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. What bothers me though that we live in a society of such extravagance that they build these people massive homes. Are the homes beautiful? Of course. Do the folks deserve the home? They sure do! But who is going to help pay for the bills for the house once the house is built and the crew is gone? If they could barely afford the maintenance of their last home, how will they afford this home? No one really thinks about that when they build the house. The families have been through so much that they get a house that is way too expensive to keep up with.

I liked the good ol' days of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, where they actually remodeled the person's house. They would add on, repair, repaint, and throw in some appliances and furniture. And you know what, to me, I felt those houses had more love. Were there huge crews of hundreds of people? No. Were there massive bulldozers going down the street? No. But the house was taken apart and put back together with love. And at the end the families were so appreciative. They loved their "new" home and what it allowed them to do. Also, the way I think about it is that if they built smaller homes, they could build more houses. That means they could help more people!

I wish there was a show "Extreme Makeover: Maintenance Edition." You know, for the family who can't afford new pipes in their house? The person who needs a new stove because their other one tries to catch the house on fire? Yeah, a show to help out the normal people. For the family who needs a new roof or maybe a new floor? The families may not need a brand new house but they need repairs that they just can't afford to do. I'm sure the families would feel incredibly lucky and blessed for their new pipe, stove, roof, or floor. They may not be getting a new house, but they would get what they need. That would be a great show for normal people like me. Nothing big and extravagant, just a down to earth, back to basics kind of help.

It also bothers me when celebrities brag that they donate their money and occasionally time to certain causes. Most of the causes don't even affect the "normal" people. Why can't they take some of their big bucks and help out a good person down the street? I think the only celebrity who really cares about helping the average person is Ellen Degeneres. Some days I wish she could come help me and some of my friends. But why would she? I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and medicines to take. So when it comes to receiving help I don't really qualify. Does it matter that I can't get a job? No. Does it matter that my mouth is falling apart (stupid lupus) and I could really benefit from a couple of crowns? I'm really not looking forward to losing my teeth when I'm 30. No, it doesn't matter. I know I'm fortunate, I have more than some people could ever dream of having. I just wish that someone normal like me could get some help. I have friends who could really use some assistance, they could even be seen as worse off than me. But no one is willing to use their resources to help out someone "normal" like us.

Maybe if I were a better person someone would care? Maybe if I were able to do more someone would care? Maybe, just maybe, one day someone will care? Maybe it's the whole Natalie Cole situation that is bothering me? I'm happy for her that she got a kidney, that a dying fan loved her that much. All I can think about are the people who have been waiting, waiting, and waiting with their names on the UNOS list. The people who are sick and tired of being sick and tired and who would do anything for an organ. They have to keep waiting with their names on a list that only gets longer by the hour. Who cares about them? They are the "normal" people whose lives are on hold because their body is giving out on them. But Natalie Cole is a beloved celebrity with an amazing voice, surely she deserves life more than others.

One of these day I'm going to be something small. But if I just have faith, if I give it my all, I can take my something small and make it something big. And I promise you when I do, I'm going to help out the "normal" people. The people who just need a little bit of something to get by. That's what I'm going to do. I may not be able to save the world, but I'll give the people a little bit of hope that they didn't have before.

Often times when faced with a chronic illness you have to make choices. You choose which is more important, to go outside and get the paper or to pour yourself a bowl of cereal. You choose whether doing your hair is more important than putting on makeup or shaving your face. You choose whether or not to go from business to business dropping off applications or to sit at home and fax. Every day is filled with what feels like hundreds of choices. And most of the time when you have a chronic illness that depletes your energy, zaps your strength, and makes you feel like you can barely put one foot in front of the other, you choose the easy way. It's easier to pour a bowl of cereal, to brush your hair (unless you have my hair which breaks combs), and to fax resumes. I wake up with a limited amount of energy and strength and in order to make it last the whole day I have to make choices.

But I have figured out that life isn't about what I can't do, it's about what I can do. What are the things I can do you are asking? I decided to make a list and I'm asking you to do the same. You'll soon see why.

1. I can get out of bed.
2. I can put on my glasses.
3. I can check my email and social networking sites.
4. I can go down the stairs.
5. I can make grits.
6. I can make tea.
7. I can go back up the stairs.
8. I can watch the news.
9. I can brush my teeth.
10. I can grab the phone.
11. I can research jobs online.
12. I can call businesses.
13. I can type on my laptop which ones are hiring.
14. I can go downstairs.
15. I can fax resumes.
16. I can go back upstairs.
17. I can clean my desk space.
18. I can make my bed.
19. I can take a shower.
20. I can comb my hair.
21. I can go downstairs.
22. I can get a bottle of water out of the refrigerator.
23. I can go back upstairs.
24. I can drink my water.
    
25. I can research jobs online again.
26. I can call businesses again.
27. I can type down on my laptop which ones are hiring again.
28. I can go downstairs.
29. I can fax resumes.
30. I can wash my hands.
31. I can put my lunch in the microwave.
32. I can get my lunch out of the microwave.
33. I can go upstairs.
34. I can eat lunch.
35. I can go brush my teeth.
36. I can go downstairs.
37. I can go out the door.
38. I can lock the door.
39. I can go on a walk (1-2 miles!).
40. I can go in the door.
41. I can lock the door.
42. I can go upstairs.
43. I can nap.
44. I can lay in bed.
45. I can watch the news.
46. I can talk to my friends online.
47. I can type my blog (exciting).
    
48. I can talk to my Mom when she gets home.
49. I can plan the next day.
50. I can go into the other room!
51. I can get out my art supplies (watercolors, yay!).
52. I can go back into my room carrying my art supplies.
53. I can paint.
54. I can carry my art supplies to the other room.
55. I can put them away.
56. I can go back to my room.
57. I can put my laptop, remote, and other needed electronics on my bed.
58. I can get into bed.
59. I can take my pills.
60. I can watch TV.
61. I can go downstairs.
62. I can fix my rice cakes with homemade sugar free hazelnut spread and peanut butter.
63. I can go back upstairs.
64. I can eat my snack.
65. I can brush my teeth (can you tell yet that I have impeccable oral hygiene, I floss and mouthwash too).
66. I can go back in my room.
67. I can get under the covers in my bed.
68. I can take off my glasses.
69. I can turn off my lamp.
70. I can watch TV.
71. I can go to sleep.

I can do 71 things in one day! Now to the average person, that doesn't seem like a lot. But to me, it takes a lot of work to get those 71 things done. And I'm proud of myself for being able to do those things. I'm hoping in the future, with strength, with energy, with better medications (hint hint happy scientists and pharmaceutical companies) I can do more things. Maybe in a month from now I will be up to 100 things? Possibly six months from now I could do 200 things? And there is hope that in a year from now I will be a crazy perfectionist multi-tasker who is saving the world!


In other news, I have a sort of second job interview tomorrow. I had a phone interview on Tuesday afternoon and it went really well. I go in tomorrow afternoon for "registration paperwork" and to meet the doctor. I hope it's not a long meet and greet with the doctor, I just hope he likes me. If he likes me, then there is a better chance I will be hired. Again, hope, pray, jump backwards, do what you got to do to make things work! I need this job and I'm beginning to feel quite nervous about it. But I can do this, I know I can! If anyone has any advice, let me know! It's a medical receptionist job if I haven't told you already:-)

Today has been a good day, a very good day indeed. Last week I applied for numerous positions for being a medical receptionist. Out of the blue this morning I received a phone call from a potential employer. I was asked if I was available to do a phone interview later in the day, it happened to be the same time I was supposed to volunteer. I of course said yes, a job is a job and this is only my second interview I have been granted. I tried to remain calm throughout the rest of the morning and afternoon but I felt like a giddy school girl on the inside!

The phone interview went well, really well. My potential employer said that my resume was one of the best she has seen. I was told the job is part time with the potential to become full time. I was asked numerous questions and I feel that I responded with well worded answers. I was then put on hold (a drop in my heart) but then I was asked if I could come in on Thursday. Thursday you say? Of course I can! I need to fill out some registration paperwork and meet the doctor of the practice. Does that mean I got the job? I'm staying positive but it could turn out the doctor doesn't like me. Or it could mean I will be officially offered the position. Right now everything feels up in the air and I'm really trying not to get my hopes up over it. I'm just hoping I get the job.

In other news I volunteered to set up for a social workers breakfast at my church tomorrow morning. I set up tables and made individual fruit salads. It was nice to see some of the people from my church, especially those who I don't often see at the service I attend. I ended up staying at church for a couple of hours, I didn't mind though. Volunteering kept my mind off of the interview which is a very good thing. I'm sure tomorrow will be long as I debate what could or could not happen. So if anyone in my area feels like getting together for a cup of tea or coffee, let me know! I'm still going to be on the look out for a job though, just in case. I've never had the best luck so I need to keep working towards having a job. Once everything is final, then I will be content!

I know one of the first things I am going to get once I get a job, a Wii and the EA Sports Active Trainer. Of course I have a few things I need to worry about before getting it. Like paying for car insurance, paying for medical stuff, and working towards getting enough money for my own car. I drive my Mom's car right now, she doesn't really mind but it seems like it bothers my Dad a bit. But the Wii and the trainer game would equal out to be a gym membership for me. I walk about two miles a day, but I feel like I need something extra. I feel that this would allow me to work out in the comfort of my own home and I would be motivated to do it. I want to be in good shape because I feel that will help with my lupus and energy levels. I wish I could afford the Wii now especially since it is on sale at Best Buy this week! Oh well, this is life and I'm just thankful that I might have a job!

My stomach has been acting up the past few days. Plus I've had some respiratory issues which I have chalked up to being allergies. If I had a killer fever, I'd have the swine flu! But right now I'm blaming it on lupus and allergies. I'm not completely miserable anyway. I still feel pretty good, nothing a little Tylenol, promethazine, and cough drops can't handle. I'm hoping that whatever this is doesn't get worse because on Thursday I might have the light at the end of the tunnel moment! Continue to hope, pray, jump backwards, do what you do to make it work. I feel like this little burst of hope was so unexpected and it was very, very welcome in my world. I again thank all of you who read this for your continued support. If I were to get this job, the first few weeks will probably be difficult as I learn and adjust. Not only will I be learning new information but my body will be learning how to deal with the extra stresses that work brings. I just hope my energy levels can stay up! But I'm ok with all the unknowns because I have known all along that something, somewhere had to give. And I think it's finally giving.