Go Eat A Hot Pocket Already!

5:39 PM Posted In , Edit This 4 Comments »
I hate my body. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE myself. Everyone tells me "You're lucky to be alive." On days like this, I don't care if I'm alive or not. I hate the fact that I have days that I really look forward to, like a special occasion. It's on those days that my body has to screw up, act up, and be an all around pain. It's on those days that if anything can go wrong, it will go wrong, forcing me to have to cancel my plans. I hate my body for doing this to me because it used to be normal. Believe it or not, a long time ago, I used to not be sick and I remember those days. I remember what it felt like to go through an entire day, not feeling pain or being sick to my stomach. I remember what it was like to not have a full body ache where I feel like I can't think or put one foot in front of the other. I just want to be able to do what I used to do but I can't because I have the world's stupidest body.

What makes matters worse is when people talk to me like I'm three years old. When someone says "Are you sure you feel like going?" It makes me second guess myself, it makes me think that I actually cannot do something. Words are powerful, they affect people physically, mentally, and emotionally. When someone talks to me like I'm three, it affects all aspects of my being. I know I have the memory of a gold fish. I know I look like I'm 12 years old. I know that most days I feel dirt and on my really bad days I feel worse than most people will ever feel. But what makes matters worse is when people talk down to me. If you know me and talk to me, don't talk down to me. I will never, ever talk down to you so please treat me with the same amount of respect. I am not a child, I am a full grown adult who unfortunately lives with illnesses that restrict my life. But these illness do not make me mentally incompetent. To exacerbate the situation, people get mad at me when I get an attitude about it. Well, excuse me but I guess that makes me a toddler who talks back!

I know I sound like a whining brat right now. I just wanted to go to Super Target so bad. I didn't have any money to spend there either. I just wanted to hang out with my sister and our friend Michelle. I think Michelle is tons of fun, she lets me come over and play video games that I don't have. She talks to me about cooking, how cool is that?! I was so looking forward to seeing this amazing Super Target that I heard so much about. I was wondering if it was maybe two stories? I was wondering if it carried more things than the normal Target that is in my area? I was so curious and excited and then my body had to go and act stupid. What made it worse was being talked down to. I might have been able to go if I had just been talked to like an adult. Maybe I don't deserve to be talked to like I'm actually the age that I am? Who knows, it's one of those things I'll never understand.

I guess it's a good thing that I stayed home. My stomach is killing me, I have a tickle in the back of my throat. And because my stomach is upset, I'm afraid to cough. I'm lightheaded and my head hurts. So maybe it's a good thing that I didn't go? I will spend my night here, at home, in my bedroom like I do every other night of the week. I can't go out and act my age because my body won't let me. It doesn't matter how many pills I take, I'll never be normal. I may look completely normal most days but on the inside I'm not normal. I will never be able to say I'm healthy because I live with illnesses that can be treated but never cured. I will never be the same girl I was before I got sick. My life is forever different and I just wish it could be different for better reasons than this.

So here are some new rules that I am implementing in my life. If you are someone who is in my life, LISTEN UP!
  1. I'm trying to be the best person I can be. It's incredibly hard. It's much harder than you think to be me. A lot of people think my life is easy because I am sick, switch bodies with me and you'll quickly change your mind. It's hard to look and act normal especially when you feel less than normal.
  2. I'm sorry that I'm sick so much but I cannot help it. If I could, I would! I hate the way I feel most days but I have to suck it up with a smile on my face. And some days, like today, I can't smile because I'm beyond sick, get over yourself and cut me some slack.
  3. When you talk to me like I'm a toddler, it hurts me. It is degrading and I don't deserve to be treated like this. You may not even realize that you are treating me this way and when I point it out to you, don't act all offended. Especially when I've already pointed it out to you numerous times.
  4. I don't complain unless I absolutely have to. I complain when I feel like I am at the point of no return. I complain when my life has gone to complete crap and there is nothing more I can do to fix it in a decent amount of time. I try to stay positive but it's difficult when everything around you caves in and you have no way of getting out. Every day something goes wrong with me, something that may not be able to be fixed. Or if it can be, I don't have to the resources (like money) to fix it (just ask me about my mouth that my body is attacking, seriously). Today is one of those complaining days.
  5. You will never understand what it is like to be me. Just like I will never understand what it is like to be you. Unfortunately you do not have the ability to switch bodies with me. You don't have the power to walk in my shoes. Don't say you understand because in all honesty, you don't. So please don't try to compare your life to mine, it will never compare. Please don't say "You're sorry..." about a certain issue I'm enduring. Because 99.9% more than one thing is wrong with me at a certain time. I'm just not going to say anything about it because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer.
Well, I'm feeling like a frozen Hot Pocket which equals death. If one has ever consumed a Hot Pocket, you know what I'm talking about. If you eat a Hot Pocket, be prepared to not feel your taste buds for three days. Be ready to call out of work three hours after consuming the Hot Pocket. Buy toilet paper and Pepto Bismol along with your Hot Pocket. If you have a death wish or need to lose a few pounds before a date, eat a Hot Pocket. In case you've ever wondered what the atomic bomb would feel like in your gastro-intestinal tract, eat a Hot Pocket. I feel like I've just eaten a Hot Pocket, except I haven't because I'm not that dumb.
Bisous!
Erika

4 comments:

Witchlinblue's Blog said...

oh I understand you very well and I also have days like that, but not everyday is like that, right ??
I also hate being talked to like I'm in a stroller, it's demeaning to me, though I suspect people think that is the kindest way to talk, but it isn't. Maybe we need a sign !!
I like your list too, I think I need one but today is not a day for me to make a list, its a day to just get threw. Tomorrow I will try to make one.
You aren't whining either, nor are you complaining too much. You know I wish it was the law that everyone had to stand in our shoes for a day, just so they can get at least a hint as to what its like to be in our bodies. However, never forget, our bodies are just carry around who we really are, too bad others can't see that. I guess the world is made up of people who judge us by what they see on the outside. We need a sign also for the old saying 'never judge a book by it's cover'. I think we actually need a lot of signs.
Big hugs, from a virtual sister (Witchlinblue)

Loverly Lupie Me said...

Thanks for such an amazing, well thought out comment. I wish someone could stand in my shoes but I doubt anyone could fit. I have small feet! I used to have to use a wheel chair (so I totally understand the stroller thought). People would talk to my Mom instead of me. It was as if I couldn't understand or hear what they were saying. And in the winter time, I wear masks because my immune system is the pits. Yet people see me as if I have some contagious illness that I'm going to give their children. I'm only doing it to protect myself!

Maybe one day I'll make some awesome shirts with original designs. I'll be sure to send you one if ever I get around to it.

My list was made out of anger and frustration. I actually got chewed out by someone close to me about this blog. Oh well, they will get over it. I'm allowed to express how I feel in an angry way once in a blue moon.

mattonfire said...

Everyone is entitled to feeling like crap and venting frustrations. I think this blog enables you to do just that. You really get your point across, and I hope people who know you and read this can get the message. Hey, most of the time your blogs are pretty upbeat and cheerful. I'm sure it's frustrating to be dealing with an illness. There will always be those who can't understand your situation and might not be the most tactful in dealing with you. Don't worry about proving your adulthood to these people. Really, they're just looking out for you and are trying to be nice.
In the meantime, eat a hotpocket and relax in front of the TV. The last time I was at a SuperTarget, I dropped a gallon of laundry detergent, causing it to explode all over the aisle. I ran away, leaving my wife there looking like she did it. Now she won't allow me to go shopping with her anymore. Mission accomplished.

Broken YoYo said...

I really feel for you :-( You're right, nobody can ever feel exactly how you do because everyone is different but in the same way you can't expect people to respond to you in exactly the way you'd like because they can't feel what you do.

It must be super frustrating to be spoken to like you're a toddler but when people are trying to be nice, calm and helpful it often comes across as patronising, but without intent. If people were rude and dismissive of you, and didn’t even bother trying to be nice, do you think you'd find that worse?

People are scared of what they don't understand, and I do believe that people don't take enough time trying understand better what they don't. I'm sure I'm guilty of that myself.

One thing's for sure though, anybody who has read your blog, or is fortunate enough to know you in person, will realise that you are an incredibly intelligent articulate woman, who is going through a lot and yet managing to still be a great person.

It's perfectly normal to vent, and I really encourage it. This blog is the perfect tool by which to get all your frustration out, so feel free to let rip. Believe me, people complain about a WHOLE lot less than you do!!

I would say one thing though, don't be too hard on your body, it didn't ask for this any more than you did (sounds odd to describe you as two separate entities). It's doing its best to cope with this illness but is finding it as challenging as you are.

One thing I've learned through my own experiences with destructive eating patterns, is that it's really important to love your body, and look after it as best you can, no matter what it looks or feels like as you're going to be living in it for a very long time.

Take care, TJ xx