Lupus vs. Erika

1:57 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
99.9% of the time I'm a strong person, I have to be with lupus, there isn't another option. Lupus is an every day battle with me, at some point in my day it's going to affect me. I can't remember the last time I felt completely normal, like the way I used to feel before I got sick. I have my good days which I am extremely thankful for. I have my bad days which I push through and move on from. Then I have my really bad days where I just don't care. I have to know when to pick my battles and today I don't feel like battling. Today I feel like saying "Lupus, you win, I can't fight you right now."

The past weeks have been extremely difficult on me, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've physically forced myself to do too many things because it has felt like the right thing. I'm emotionally drained from the past few weeks events. Mentally, I feel as if I'm not capable of doing anything because someone is always on my case. I'm constantly holding it together and at the same time second guessing myself (thanks to people who do it for me). All while trying to be a rock for everybody else to hold onto. I feel like breaking, I am physically, emotionally, mentally depleted.

I can't be a fighter all the time, I can't always be strong. Sometimes I just need the burden to be lifted, the pain to go away, the exhaustion to cease, and the games people play with my mind to end. Sometimes I need to stop fighting for a few days. If that makes me weak, so be it. But at some point I think we all have to be weak, in a way it gives our whole body a chance to recharge. So if I sound tired, really, really tired the next few days, it's because I am. If I look like I'm in pain and I might cry, it's because I am. If I appear to have an "I don't give a shit" attitude, it's because that's how I feel. Right now I'm having a hard enough time caring about myself.

I know for the next few days I might seem closed off and shut down. But I don't have a choice at this point, I have no energy to do anything else but shut down. I don't want advice, opinions, sympathy, or any form of nagging. What I need is for people to understand what I need from you. If I need space from one person and closeness from another, it's not because I love one person more than the other. I simply need different things from different people. It's all a different form of love. I'm doing it for my sake and for yours.

Please know that I am not quitting, I just can't fight right now. All I can do is exist.