For My Nieces

9:48 PM Posted In , Edit This 2 Comments »
As most of you know, life has been rough. In between unresolved health problems, crazy insurance issues, and feeling so lost and hopeless, I've been a mess. But today I went to go see my two "nieces." Even if it was just for a few hours, I felt more centered and calmer than I've felt in the past few weeks.

I needed to see them today. I know that no matter what happens in my life, I know these two little girls will be there to greet me when I walk through their door. The baby, Jacqueline, she just wants to be held right now. She is so heavy in my arms, I have a hard time walking around while holding her, which seems to be her favorite. It hurts my arms, shoulders, lungs, and heart, I feel pain everywhere when I hold her. But when I hold Jacqueline, none of that matters because in that moment I know she needs me. She is such a trooper too, I've seen her fight and that sort of spirit is something that can never be extinguished.

My other niece, Caroline, she always is so excited to see me. She always wants to hug, sing the ABC's, climb all over me, and color. Caroline reminds me a lot about myself. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She has a mind of her own, very strong willed, even if it does get her in trouble. Caroline never gets tired of me, every time she sees me it's as if I'm a brand new toy. She knows my name, she says it like "Eh-kah" and it melts my heart every time. I see her growing up more and more each day. She is growing into her spirit and I love and accept every part of who she is. I always will.

I never thought I could love two children as much as I love Jacqueline and Caroline. But I do. I know I could never have children of my own but I'm OK with that. Because I have two lovely girls in my life who give me more love and more joy than I could ever dream of. Through all of these struggles I've been experiencing, Jacqueline and Caroline are a little thought in the back of my mind. Jacqueline had to be such a fighter in the beginning, she fought when she barely knew how to live in this world. How come I'm not fighting like that? Caroline is so strong, almost fierce, nothing knocks her down for very long. How come I'm not getting back up like she is?

I need to take a little lesson from my "nieces." I need to stay strong throughout all of this, living a life with chronic health problems is like being on a roller coaster all the time. I need to fight when I feel like I can barely survive in the world. When I fall down, I need to have a little cry, get back up, and keep on going.

Jacqueline and Caroline, I hope one day you can read this and know how much you have both changed my life.



Annie said...

Awww, this made me tear up!

Hope you are doing well!


Anonymous said...

I have read several of your posts. I can relate to all of them. While I am not in YOUR body and do not feel your exact pain, I have SLE, and it is REAL and Horrible. Your last story about your nieces made me cry. My husband, Ted is 16 years older than I. All of my blood relatives have died as of this November when my mom died from lung cancer. My son, who is 20, hates me because of my illness. He has told me, and I quote, that he doesn't care if I ROT AWAY in a nursing home after Ted passes away- he isn't going to check on me. So, I feel helpless, alone, and simply terrified. I feel that my poor husband should start enjoying his life and find someone better than me. I just want to die........... I DO>. I mean, I am not suicidal or anything. I just don't have ANYONE........not a single person to lean call or anything. Eastern Kentucky is a very cold place to "outsiders" and I am not FROM here. I moved here from Charlotte when I met my husband who is a much beloved retired judge. Despite HIS popularity here, the women here are clickish, very clickish, and will not accept me, so I literally have NO ONE for support. We can't move until my husband's mother dies. She is a stroke victim and lives alone and is partially paralyzed. So, he takes care of her 1-3 times a week in addition to me. I feel so badly for him.......for both of us. Why go through all of this............especially when people like Stewart out there are making fun of us? I am all alone when my husband is gone. HELP!