On The Lupie Side Of The Street

Today I hung out with one of my closest friends and his daughter. We went to story time at the library and as I looked at all the children, all I could think was what amazing little things they are. They were still so young, I'm guessing under the age of two. They are small yet resilient, the world is their playground, and they are filled with joy. Even when they cry, it isn't long before they are laughing and smiling again. The little things appear to be brand new, over and over again, like the glimmer of a necklace. Small children constantly seem joyful to me, it's the smile on their face, the way the light shines in their hair, they can be like angels on earth.

It makes me think, "Why can't we all be like that?" Why can't we act like the world is our playground and find beauty in the small things? Why can't we shed a few tears and then smile suddenly? And why can't things in our life be new over and over again?

Sometimes I cook and I do something perfectly, I step back and admire the beauty of my dish. It's as if I've never cooked it before and I'm so proud of myself for doing well. Whenever I am feeling down and teary eyed, a friend somehow knows. They call, text, or email me and in those moments where I feel so alone, I realize I'm not and I smile. Every time I see orange day lilies, it's as if I'm seeing them for the first time. And the beauty of orange roses never fails to capture my heart, how the tips of the petals are always a deeper shade, it mesmerizes me. When I can remember that the world is my oyster, I'm a better person for it.

Today, the world was my oyster. I woke up feeling great, I wasn't in any pain, I wasn't sick to my stomach, and I could think clearly. No touch of a fever, no shaky sort of feeling, I felt completely normal. It was as if I was back in high school again and I was getting ready to bounce off to school. It just so happened that my friend called and I was invited to have a bit of fun. We went to story time, ran some errands, and then went back to the house. How wonderful it was to sit on the floor and play with blocks! I know I sound like a loony, but the simple things do it for me. And as much as I dislike reading the princess the same book over and over again, it seems brand new to her. I loved the random conversations I shared with my friend and how we goofed off and rough housed. No one will play around with me these days, I look breakable. But I proved today that I'm not! I don't think I have felt so happy in such a long time, I felt normal.

Of course all good things must come to an end and so did my perfect day. I started to have some inflammation and usually I am a grin and bear it type of gal, but I knew not to mess around with this. I was supposed to cook dinner and I was so excited about it. Unfortunately on the way to the grocery is when the proverbial shit hit the fan. I wanted so badly to just tough it out, to shut up and deal, but my friend knew something was wrong. I decided it was best for all parties involved to go home and rest up, so I could meet tomorrow with a smile. And I really do hate it when that happens, when all seems well and then then my life is all of a sudden grabbed from me. I realize at those points that I am not normal, that my life is different, but it's going to be ok.

I'm at home now, with my heating pad, in bed, and watching a special on ABC, J.K. Rowling: A Year In The Life. While I'm not really into Harry Potter, I enjoy the films on occasion but the books dragged on a little much for me. I realize that even though I'm not a wizard, and I don't go to Hogwarts, my life is magical. Today was magical for me, I was granted a small, magical gift that I wasn't expecting. It was like someone cast a feel good spell on me or I drank an ah-maz-ing potion. Even though my ah-maz-ing potion ran out, I have hope that one day soon I'll be granted another magical moment.

Here lately I've been thinking a lot about love and relationships and how I can tie all of that into my life. I tell myself that I'm going to be alone, that I'm better off that way. I convince myself that falling in love will only lead to heart break that leaves me in shambles. I force myself to believe that I'm not meant to be in a relationship anymore. I see myself as damaged goods, who's going to buy the can of tomatoes with the dent in it anyways? I've got dents and my back story is certainly not able to be contained in a can. My label may be smooth and pretty with great graphics but if you eat what's inside, you'll probably get botulism. At least that's what I tell myself...

Recently I received my very first "booty call." You may be thinking "Why are you advertising this Erika?" Well I'm saying something because this is a lesson on how not to act when trying to have physical relations with a person. The situation happened to me with a friend, someone whom I have known for ages and ages. It is very demeaning to me because I feel as if our friendship is not being valued. Is the only reason he keeps me around is because he wants to have sex with me? Am I only a pretty thing that is desired in a sexual way? It upsets me because I don't give off the image of being easy. I dress modestly, I'm not overly flirtatious, and I certainly do not have a promiscuous past.

To make matters worse is that this person has been calling on a somewhat daily basis to see how I'm doing. I rejected the "booty call" because I was sicker than a three legged broke neck dog. I'm sorry but when I'm in pain, feeling like I'm going to throw up with a fever, and fall over all at the same time, I'm not in a sexy place. The emotions that come with physical relations are not exactly flowing through me. When I tell you that I am feeling really sick when you proposition me for sex, that's code for "I'm not going to roll around in the sheets with you." What makes me feel worse is that you have called in the days following to check on me. You didn't call me because you actually cared about how I was feeling. You called because you wanted to see if I was well enough to have sex. Let me clear one thing up for the world, I may be feeling better now, but I'm not going to give it up for just anybody.

Calling me and basically asking me for sex is not a very good incentive. Vivian, the character Julia Roberts played in Pretty Woman so famously said "I want the fairy tale." That's right people, I want the fairy tale, I deserve the fairy tale. I may have some damage, I may have a back story, but I believe every girl (or guy) deserves the fairy tale. I want to be wowed, wooed, and charmed till I'm floating in the air with glee in my heart. I want a bouquet of orange flowers to be waiting for me when I go into work. I want to be surprised with hand written love notes in the mail. I want to be embraced with a warm hug after a few days of being apart. I want someone to call and leave me funny voice mails that will make me crack up for hours. I want someone to think about me and believe with all of their heart that I am the best gal out there.

Now I've been catching some flack from some people and I know they mean it in a joking way. But apparently I'm throwing away the chance to have sex. I don't see it as throwing away anything. I'm not at in a place in my life where I feel comfortable having one night stands just so I can have physical contact. I crave the emotional connection of a relationship more than anything. Knowing that at the end of the day, I have someone who loves and cares about me more than I ever thought possible. If I were a person who felt comfortable loving and leaving then that would be one thing. But I need and DESERVE more than an hour in bed and a kiss good bye. If you're able to do that though, good for you, it's simply not for me. Go ahead and call me old fashioned, it's the way I am.

I deserve to be happy, I deserve to have love, and I deserve not to be hurt. I'm not going to go out and look for love either. When the right person comes along, so be it. And if they aren't scared off by my L.L. Bean luggage then they are definitely a keeper. If they are scared, ok, I'll keep living and moving on. Eventually, I will have true love that lifts me off me feet in the beginning and grounds my soul in the end. I know that relationships aren't easy, they take work, and sometimes you want to give up. But I also know that despite the pain and frustration relationships can bring, there is joy. Joy that makes up for all of life's faults. I'll take the joy, the frustration, the ups, and the downs. I'll take it all in stride because I want all of those things in my life.

Today when I was at work I was given the task of going outside and rearranging items and cleaning everything. I was thinking to myself how much my life has changed, how much I have changed. I am not the same person that I was back in 2006, when I was somewhat healthy. My life was taken from underneath my feet, it was then crumpled up, and shoved in a trashcan. I was the the "no hope" case. But yet, here I am today and my life has changed. I am extremely thankful for my life because I'm technically a little bit of a miracle.

And I feel horrible about this but I was thinking about how some days I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like it's my fault that I got sick, I feel like I did something wrong to have this happen to me. I feel like I'm not a good enough person and that maybe I'm disposable. I was thinking about how great my life was before I got sick, I had an amazing job, I was in college, I had tons of friends, and all of my family loved me. But then once I got sick, everything changed. I couldn't hold a job, there was no way I could handle school, and a lot of my friends up and left me. Some of my family even turned against me. It's like when you're sick you almost become a liability and no one wants to be around you. And you feel so alone in the first place but when people up and leave, you think it's your fault.

There's a little girl I know, she's barely a toddler and I wanted to tell her something so badly today. I wanted to tell her to eat her vegetables, take a vitamin when she's old enough, and do everything her parents tell her to do. I was going to warn her not to smoke or do drugs, drink only in moderation and never drive when she does so. I wanted to tell her to do well in school, to stand up for herself, and do the right thing no matter what. I wanted to tell her never, ever to get sick with something that can't be cured. But if ever she did, to never lose hope because hope will always carry you through.

I wanted to tell her all this because once you get sick, you can never have your old life back. And you dream about it, you want it back so badly, it's gone though, forever. Most of all, I wanted to tell her not to be like me. Here I am, 23 years old, working a job that is just above minimum wage. I can't do the same work I used to do which is restaurant work. I have only two goals for each day, to make it through and to be a good person. I'm trying to get my life in order but it's really hard when nothing seems to go right. It frustrates me that I had my entire life planned out and none of it went as planned. I'm having to start over because most everything I had was taken away. I want her life to be better than mine. But she has so many more years to go and it will be years before she ever understands any of this.

So here I was complaining to myself about my life and basically how I want my old one back. I was then given a huge slap in the face by the universe. I reminded that when you least expect it, it could all be over. I remembered how my life should have been over but I kept going, no one was going to tell me when I should give up. Life is weird like that, right when you feel the worst about yourself you are reminded in the worst way to buckle up and get over it. That's what I'm trying to do, I'm getting over the fact that I can't have my old life back. I will never be the same person, I will always be sick, but at least for now I have my life. And I need to be ok with that, I need to be ok with the fact that at least I have a job. I need to be thankful that at least I have a few relatives and friends who love me. I need to remind myself that it could be so much worse and there is always someone who is suffering more. I need to tell myself that no matter what, I'm going to be ok and one day I'm going to be a great person who does amazing things for others.

In a way, I'm lucky, I got a second chance at life. I get the chance to be the person I couldn't be the first time around. I can be whoever I want to be, not what other people think I should be. And I'm becoming that person, I'm learning to be happy when I'm happy, sad when I'm sad. I'm learning to say what I feel when I feel it. I'm understanding that it's good to smile but it's also ok to cry. I'm letting people in my life instead of blocking them out with The Great Wall of Erika.

I had my "bitch" moment earlier today and it's ok, it's done now. I am moving on and making new memories that I may not remember, but at least I can live in the moment.