Living In The Moment

6:13 PM Posted In , Edit This 2 Comments »
Today when I was at work I was given the task of going outside and rearranging items and cleaning everything. I was thinking to myself how much my life has changed, how much I have changed. I am not the same person that I was back in 2006, when I was somewhat healthy. My life was taken from underneath my feet, it was then crumpled up, and shoved in a trashcan. I was the the "no hope" case. But yet, here I am today and my life has changed. I am extremely thankful for my life because I'm technically a little bit of a miracle.

And I feel horrible about this but I was thinking about how some days I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like it's my fault that I got sick, I feel like I did something wrong to have this happen to me. I feel like I'm not a good enough person and that maybe I'm disposable. I was thinking about how great my life was before I got sick, I had an amazing job, I was in college, I had tons of friends, and all of my family loved me. But then once I got sick, everything changed. I couldn't hold a job, there was no way I could handle school, and a lot of my friends up and left me. Some of my family even turned against me. It's like when you're sick you almost become a liability and no one wants to be around you. And you feel so alone in the first place but when people up and leave, you think it's your fault.

There's a little girl I know, she's barely a toddler and I wanted to tell her something so badly today. I wanted to tell her to eat her vegetables, take a vitamin when she's old enough, and do everything her parents tell her to do. I was going to warn her not to smoke or do drugs, drink only in moderation and never drive when she does so. I wanted to tell her to do well in school, to stand up for herself, and do the right thing no matter what. I wanted to tell her never, ever to get sick with something that can't be cured. But if ever she did, to never lose hope because hope will always carry you through.

I wanted to tell her all this because once you get sick, you can never have your old life back. And you dream about it, you want it back so badly, it's gone though, forever. Most of all, I wanted to tell her not to be like me. Here I am, 23 years old, working a job that is just above minimum wage. I can't do the same work I used to do which is restaurant work. I have only two goals for each day, to make it through and to be a good person. I'm trying to get my life in order but it's really hard when nothing seems to go right. It frustrates me that I had my entire life planned out and none of it went as planned. I'm having to start over because most everything I had was taken away. I want her life to be better than mine. But she has so many more years to go and it will be years before she ever understands any of this.

So here I was complaining to myself about my life and basically how I want my old one back. I was then given a huge slap in the face by the universe. I reminded that when you least expect it, it could all be over. I remembered how my life should have been over but I kept going, no one was going to tell me when I should give up. Life is weird like that, right when you feel the worst about yourself you are reminded in the worst way to buckle up and get over it. That's what I'm trying to do, I'm getting over the fact that I can't have my old life back. I will never be the same person, I will always be sick, but at least for now I have my life. And I need to be ok with that, I need to be ok with the fact that at least I have a job. I need to be thankful that at least I have a few relatives and friends who love me. I need to remind myself that it could be so much worse and there is always someone who is suffering more. I need to tell myself that no matter what, I'm going to be ok and one day I'm going to be a great person who does amazing things for others.

In a way, I'm lucky, I got a second chance at life. I get the chance to be the person I couldn't be the first time around. I can be whoever I want to be, not what other people think I should be. And I'm becoming that person, I'm learning to be happy when I'm happy, sad when I'm sad. I'm learning to say what I feel when I feel it. I'm understanding that it's good to smile but it's also ok to cry. I'm letting people in my life instead of blocking them out with The Great Wall of Erika.

I had my "bitch" moment earlier today and it's ok, it's done now. I am moving on and making new memories that I may not remember, but at least I can live in the moment.



Anonymous said...

I can relate to EVERY emotion you have expressed in this blog at some point in my life. These are natural feelings we go through as we progress through life with lupus. I am 49, I was diagnosed with lupus at 25 but had severe illness years before. Several times I was deemed a lost cause, it would never get better only worse.

After all these years I can look back and realize that my life has been rich, fulfilling, exciting and well worth all the suffering. It became my new normal to go through life with chronic illness. People don't deal with our chronic illness well but that's OK because we are all learning, it's just that we do the suffering. We have to find happiness with or without them.

I try not to waste time, I believe I have lived more than others my age because I have had much more appreciation for life, and a sense of urgency. The bad days suck, but tomorrow is just a few hours away.

You are an amazing woman and it has been a pleasure reading your tweets. I know, I'm old : ) but at least I am proof that life can be good, lupus or not. Crap! I'll be 50 soon! I don't feel almost 50.


Ashley said...

You of course know that it's not your fault...and you also know not all of us left you! Although my life is hectic to say the least, I want you to know that I think about you and include you in my 'prayers' (i dunno what id call them other than that) every freaking day. I care so much about you. :) That being said I have not had the same life experience as you, so I can't completely understand your feelings and thoughts on the experience. With everything I have experienced in my personal life, I understand the feeling that 'its all my fault'. For years I felt like my dad getting run over by his truck was indeed my fault...I felt hopeless. I to this day value life so much because of this experience. I also want to tell young children to do all the right things, because I, with age have come to realize how short and precious life really is. In the end, these experiences make us stronger. Like I have told you before there is some higher reason that you have been given this 'second' chance. You were put on earth to accomplish great things, and I know you will. Although I don't always have time for coffee/tea breaks with you, don't forget I'm always just a text away! -Ashley