Wishing To Be More

11:33 AM Posted In , , Edit This 1 Comment »
I haven't always been sick, I used to be a healthy, happy, and vibrant girl. I felt like I was a good person, that I was doing the right things, that I was who I was supposed to be. But life changes, it moves on, and it took me along even though I protested. I changed and I didn't have a choice in the matter. My body changed and yet my spirit screamed "No! Stop! Just let me be the old Erika for another day!" But my body didn't listen to me, it pushed on, pulling me through what felt like the depths of hell. My spirit wanted to turn around, to go back, it wanted to live the life it knew and loved. It was a fight between my body and my spirit, to this day it's still a power struggle.

So here I am today with a body that doesn't feel familiar to me and a spirit that feels trapped. Most days I feel like less of a person than everyone else. I can't do everything in one day that everyone else can. Even if I do manage to accomplish a couple of things, I get extremely tired and I have to rest. Everyone my age is out of college, with full time jobs, having their own places, and being adults. Yet here I am at home because I had to move out of my apartment. I'm living in my old bedroom and I'm almost 24 years old. I don't have full time employment, I barely have part time because of this economy. All of these things make me feel like less of a person, like I'm not good enough.

Having a chronic illness will do that to you, it beats you down to the point where you feel like you are nothing. It doesn't help when people don't understand and constantly defending yourself gets really old, really quick. It's frustrating when your body feels so much older than your actual age. I have days where it takes everything I have to get out of bed, to eat a couple of crackers, and to have a sip of water. It makes me feel like less of a person because I never used to be like this. I used to have an endless supply of energy and nothing would stop me from doing anything I had my heart set on doing. Yet these days even if my heart is set on doing something, my body usually stops me.

My birthday is quickly approaching and the one thing I truly want, I can't have. I wish I wasn't sick. I wish my body wasn't constantly trying to self destruct. I wish I could feel healthy for more than a couple days at a time. I wish I had more strength and energy. I wish I could live the life of the old Erika because then my spirit would be content. But instead I'm living at home, trying to find the strength to do the most basic things. At the end of the day I end up beating myself up for not being able to do everything that I had wanted to do. And whatever I did the day before, I always end up paying for it the next day. I go to bed thinking "What happened to me? How do I get myself back?" For now, I don't know. I don't know how to get myself out of this hole I'm stuck in. I know in reality I'll never quite get out, I'll always be sick, I'll never feel healthy for very long at all. I'll never live the life that I used to.

I wish I could be more to myself and to the world.



Cynthia said...

I know it's tough. I read my alumni magazine and everyone else seems to be doing all these illustrious things and I'm plodding along as a high school teacher. But your courage and spirit are an inspiration so I feel I have no room for complaints.