A gigantic and overdue update!

10:13 AM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
Sorry I haven't updated in a while! I have been really busy here lately and in between being busy, I've been recovering from being busy. Over the weekend, a good friend of mine got married and I was invited to the wedding. I had such a good time and it was amazing to see some people whom I haven't seen in a while. It was lovely to be able to reconnect. The bride and groom were too cute for words and I am thrilled for the both of them! I was so close to catching the bouquet as well, there was a bet going that I was going to catch it. Unfortunately, the tall people in the world have advantage over the short people, therefore, I lost. Oh well! Another friend of mine is getting married next year, another wedding, another chance to catch the bouquet. Here's a picture of me at the wedding in the beautiful dress my Mom made me.

I've been doing a lot of painting here lately too! I used to try to sell my art but then people lost interest. But if anyone reading this is interested, please let me know. Here is some of my latest art.
Strumming To Entice The Butterflies
2.5X3.5 inch watercolor

Even Butterflies Feel Dark When In Love
4X4 inch watercolor

Here lately, there have been some things I wish I could get off my chest. If you don't know this, the relationship I have with my Dad is strained. It never used to be like this, until a few years ago. I used to the apple of his eye, he was so proud of me and everything I did, and even if I did something wrong in his eyes, he would forgive me not too long after.

Unfortunately time changes people, life changes people, and our lives have changed us both. I think he sees me as some sort of alien, not the daughter he knew and loved. In a way, he looks at me like I have screwed up my life beyond belief, as if I'm crazy and a horrible, horrible daughter. The way he acts towards me makes me feel like I am the worst person ever. He has the ability to hurt me in ways that no one else can. And yet, apparently, he loves me. He doesn't express it in any way, I certainly cannot see it in his eyes, but apparently he does. I think it's a lie, I would know if my Dad loved me and here's how. I would feel it, but I don't, all I feel is a burning hate towards me. All I feel when he looks at me is shame, he is ashamed to have me as his daughter.

If ever I could tell him what I feel, this is what I would say.

Dear Dad (if it's OK that I call you that, but I don't really see you as being one),
I don't know where I went wrong in your eyes. I don't know how I screwed up. I didn't think I did anything wrong and most of the things that have gone wrong in my life, were things I couldn't control. I'm sorry that I've let you down all of these years and I'm not the daughter you envisioned me to be. It hurts me every day to know that you are not proud of me. My heart aches knowing that you are ashamed of me and that I am a disgrace in your eyes.

I'm trying to do the best I can with what I have. You certainly are not helping me in the way that a father should. All you do is break me down and feel as if I am the lowest, most useless creature ever. You sometimes make me wish I could run far, far away from here. But we both know I can't, we both know I'm stuck here for a while. I want to have a job, an education, a car, an apartment, I want to have those things I used to have. But slowly each one of those things got taken away by no fault of my own. Yet, you blame me for it, you blame me every time you can. You may not say it, but I feel it, and I see it in your eyes.

I wish I could make you proud, and maybe one day I will? Maybe one day I will be able to be the person that I can only dream of for now. I have a feeling though, that no matter who I become and what I accomplish, it will never be enough for you. You will always pick on me and make me feel like I am nothing. And I've come to the conclusion that you say the things that you do to me because it makes you feel like more of a man. Let me assure you though, that it makes you less of a man in my eyes. It makes you less of a father too. If you want pick on someone, if you want to hurt someone with your words, try hurting yourself first. Then maybe, just maybe you will realize the detrimental effects of your actions.

I hope you're happy Dad, I really do. I would never wish what I have to go through on a day to day basis on anyone. I would never wish the physical and emotional damage it does to me on anyone. I would never wish that you would have to hear the words that come out of people's mouths when you least expect it. I would never wish the feeling that I have inside my heart right now on you. It hurts more than you could ever imagine.

So I hope you're happy Dad, I really do. I hope you're happy with your dance lessons, shoes, and parties. I hope that people compliment day and night on how you are such an amazing dancer. I hope all the money you spend on it too is worth it, I'm sure it is though. It makes you look like an amazing person but I know that for now, you aren't. God help you if you do something nice for the other daughter, meaning me. You will go out of your way for my sister but if I were trapped under a boulder, you wouldn't even call 911. One of these days I'm going to be somebody and I'm going to go somewhere. And some day, some where, someone will be proud of me and I hope you realize that.

Sincerely,
Erika

Well blog readers, this is all I have for now. I don't normally like to air my dirty laundry in public but some things just need to be said. I can't hold everything in forever and I shouldn't be expected to either. I'm tired of playing make believe and letting people think everything is OK with my Dad when it really isn't. My Mom will probably kill me for writing this, but I get picked on enough by my Dad. She says he is trying to do better, but until I witness it, I won't believe it.

Bisous!
Erika

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