Sometimes I just don't know...

8:03 PM Posted In , , Edit This 0 Comments »
Please remind me that if ever am able to adopt, that if I have a child, I should always be there for the child. It doesn't matter how old they are, I should always be there. I should do everything in my power to help them, I should never degrade them and make them feel like a bad person. I should love and support them, no matter what. It doesn't matter how hard life is, I will step up to the plate and encourage them.

Right now my life has a whole lot of "I don't know" going on. I don't know what is going to go on with my mouth? I don't know if my kidneys are going to get better or worse? I don't know whether my stomach will lose more of it's happy nerve endings and become completely paralyzed? I just don't know what will happen. Will my heart and lungs be affected by the Lupus as well? I just don't know. I don't know if I will be able to hold a normal full time job? I don't know if I will be well enough every single day to hold a full time job. I know it seems like I'm doing okay, and most of the time I tell myself that I am, but I'm not. I don't let on a whole lot on how I'm feeling. I may look okay and act okay, but chances are, I'm probably not. And on the day when I don't look okay and act okay, I'm feeling like death on toast.

So please remind me, if ever I am lucky enough to adopt, to always support my child. My Mom has done a wonderful job and she is doing the best she can with what little she has. And she knows that I am not the type of person who asks for help unless I truly need it. To think, my Dad has the ability to completely ignore everything that is going on with me. I feel as if he is mad at me because I'm sick a lot. Well, I think he forgets that part of it is genetics and therefore part of it is his fault. Oh well, he will never take the blame for anything. He will go out of his way for everyone else but me. But I'm going to stay positive. With each week that passes, hopefully one "I don't know" will pass as well. Hopefully with time I will be able to say "I do know." I do know one thing that I want, respect from my Dad. Maybe I don't deserve it, maybe I'm not good enough for it, I just don't know. But one of these days, my Dad will respect me and if he doesn't, he is not the man he thinks he is.

In other news, I went walking with my friend Ariel today. We walked a total of 2.354 miles today! I know it doesn't seem like a lot considering we are walking, but it's a lot for us. I have walked a total of 5.002 miles over the past two days! I'm really proud of myself for being able to do this. My heart has acted up but it hasn't been enough to cause me to stop. But my heart will act up no matter what, sitting, standing, walking, running, my heart will go crazy at the drop of a hat.

Tomorrow I get to find out what can be done to fix my mouth. My main concern of course is money, it's something that certainly isn't free flowing around here. I just hope it can be done in a successful way without costing an arm, leg, and maybe a kidney. Y'all send some happy hopes my way and some prayers too if you're into that sort of thing. I can't lose hope now. I know my life is going to always be an uphill battle and this is only the start. I have to stay tough, I have to keep myself strong, I have to remain filled with hope. Not just for the future, but for right here now and now. It takes a lot of hope to live each moment, but I don't think we realize how much it really takes.

Loverly Lupie Me