Romance makes me wish...

8:54 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday, I've been too busy eating. Yes, eating. It is like I have fallen in love with food all over again. Everything sounds good, looks good, and tastes even better. It's as if my taste buds are alive again! My stomach is actually allowing me to digest food. I don't feel like I have a lead brick in my stomach for three days. I feel hungry in a matter of hours after I eat. For those of you who don't understand, I haven't felt hungry in so long that I forgot what hunger felt like. That's how crazy my stomach has acted in the past.

Today was a good day, a very good day. I got to hang out with an awesome friend, we went to Ashland Coffee and Tea. It's one of our favorite hang outs, here's why. It's hardly ever crowded on a week day. The prices are decent, they have a great selection of teas, they have foods that are "safe" for me to eat, and they have free internet. Today I did an art project with a friend. She is moving into a new house and I thought she could use some art for her new digs. So we painted this crazy flower picture together. I think it turned out fairly well considering my flowers look like something out of Dr. Seuss. I'm not too good at being realistic when it comes to art. We also had a fabulous time listening in on people's conversations and quietly whispering about what they were saying. Yes, that's wrong, but come on, it's just too darn fun to pass up!

This evening I was catching up on some ER episodes from the 15th and final season. It's gotten so romantic and mushy, I'm not a romantic person. But watching stuff where people are in love, it makes me want to be in love too. It makes me wish I could find that special someone. But the realistic side of me soon kicks in and I realize I will never, ever be able to be in a relationship.

First of all, no one really understands lupus, I have a hard time understanding it. If I have a hard time comprehending what it does to my body, how am I supposed to make someone else understand? Is this someone going to be able to tolerate me getting sick? Will they be there to hold my hand when I'm so nauseated I cannot move from the bathroom floor? Will they not panic when my heart races to 150 bpm and I feel dizzy, out of breath, and my chest is going to just crumble in my hands? How will they manage on one of my bad days when I can hardly take care of myself?

Don't even get me started on the thought of insurance and the prospect of children. I have no idea what I will do for insurance once I turn 25. And children, well, whoever I'm with can throw that idea right out the window. I'll never be able to adopt either, which is what I would love to do, but with my medical history? A judge would have to be out of their mind to grant me the rights to adopt a child. I would never adopt if I wasn't physically and financially stable. I want to adopt a teenager, someone who is about to be shoved out of the system. I want to get them back in school, I want them to have a stable home life. I want them to be able to have friends, go to the movies, hang out at the mall. I want to expose them to the arts, and not just what we think is "art." Just because it doesn't hang in a museum doesn't mean it's not art. Anything can be art if you look at it with an open mind. I want to give them the opportunity to go to college and succeed in life. Most of all, I want to make sure they know they are loved and no matter what, they will always have me in their life. Will any of that happen? Realistically? No.

So yes, I wish it could all be simpler, but it's not. I don't think I'll ever truly be able to lead a completely normal life. I mean how normal is it to have to brief your friends on what to do in case of an emergency? It's not very normal to have your entire medical history, a list of all your doctors, and every single medication you take loaded onto your cell phone.

I'm 23 years old and instead of running around with a job, I'm at home calling doctors and making copies of records. I'm hoping to get back into the work world soon. I've just got to work with a place that will be somewhat understanding and flexible. I don't want to work for a large company either, they are less flexible and I will be another dispensable employee. I don't want disability because I'm capable of doing good work, I've just got to find someone willing to give me a chance. That's what frustrates me, I'm not looking for a hand out, I'm not looking for someone to hand me something I don't deserve. I just need someone to help me get on my feet, just a little lift, I'm willing to work for it. I want to work for it, I need to work for it, I need to know that I can be a good person, a productive member of society. I need to know that this illness won't hold me back in all aspects of my life, that I can still be part of the person I dream to be.

Here's a photo of the crazy art I did with my friend today. I never said we were good, but we surely have fun doing it!

Loverly Lupie Me