Three Things

11:26 AM Posted In , Edit This 2 Comments »
I feel that I need to start exercising again. It's going to be so hard because I'm completely out of shape. Plus it's hard to get the motivation when everything hurts! I'd like to start walking, basically because it's low impact on my joints. It would probably be good for me to get some fresh air, but not the sun shine. Sunlight is my enemy but that's why there is sunscreen. Exercise is also sort of an enemy for me, even the smallest exertion can make my heart jump up. I'll physically be OK as long as I can keep my pulse below 180 bpm. I'll never be able to do the high powered fat burning calorie killing workouts, but I can do stuff to increase my flexibility, along with my muscle and joint health.

My neighborhood is pretty safe to walk around, would I want to walk around at night? No. Would I feel fine walking in broad daylight? Yes, I would. I would get started with a routine right here and now but unfortunately I can't. First of all, I have sneakers but they are meant for exercising, they are great for walking around a mall, but that's about it. Secondly, with my heart being as erratic as it is, I should probably invest in a heart rate monitor watch. Prices have come down considerably over the years, you can now get a strapless one for between $50-$60. Then I would know what my pulse is throughout my workout without having to take it myself. I would also know when I would need to "Stop and let it drop." Most people aim for a high target heart rate while working out. I'm aiming for a moderate, controlled rate, I don't want to drop dead while walking.

The third thing is something I don't really need but want. Every day I try and fix my old i-pod mini, I try charging it, restarting it, toggling the hold switch, pressing different buttons. Nothing brings it back to life, I'm doing all the things that used to bring it back before. I think it's too far gone. I would love to have another i-pod but this past month has been too expensive. I feel like there is no room for anything extra and I feel so horrible that I've been such a high maintenance person here lately. I shouldn't even be worried about exercising or an i-pod. I need to get another car because my parents sold my old one a while back. Once I have a car, I can get a job, once I get a job, I can make money to pay off the car. When the car gets paid off, then my medical expenses will get paid off and by then there will be new ones to take care of. Of course when that gets settled, I need to save money for the future medical expenses, doctors visits, medication, hospital stays, and possible surgeries.

Having lupus means you have to plan for the expected, I'm expecting at some point my kidneys will go and I will need a transplant. I'm expecting that I will need joint replacement surgeries as well. I'll also have huge expenses because lupus just loves to attack my mouth. And goodness knows what is going to happen to my digestive tract in the future. I was catching up on some Grey's Anatomy yesterday and they had three patients, who were all siblings, who had a high chance of developing a rare form of cancer that had killed much of their family. Part of the procedure to prevent them from developing this cancer was to remove their stomach completely. I had no idea that could be done. I've joked about getting it done for years! Or at least having my stomach replaced with a heavy duty Ziploc freezer bag!

I know it sounds like I'm "wallowing in self pity" as my Granny says, but I'm not. I'm just trying to think of everything that has to get done and what needs to get done first. I need to get my strength and energy levels up before I get a job. I need to find a job at a place that is small and can provide me with flexible hours. Everyone keeps asking me about me going back to school but I don't have anyone running up to me with a check saying "Here's your tuition!" I know there are loans but I will probably end up in debt up to my eyeballs because of my health. So I don't want to get an early start in debt by getting loans for college. I am also well aware that there are people who are worse off than I am, who am I to complain? I shouldn't be complaining, I have a roof over my head and all my medicines. So maybe I am wallowing in self pity, I just need to shut up and move on. I've come to the conclusion that I am the only one who can make it work for me. I just need someone to give me a small break so I can make it work.

Loverly Lupie Me


Anonymous said...

Are there any scholarships for lupus?? I looked for ones for Addison's disease and the like when I was applying for college and I remember seeing one for autoimmune diseases but you had to write a paper. Given my not-so-great essay writing, I didn't bother to apply. You, however, have great writing skills. Maybe you could look into that if and when you think about going back to school. And about the kidneys, I'd offer one of mine but they aren't in such great shape either :( Have you done any paintings lately? Sold any?

Loverly Lupie Me said...

I'm not sure if there are scholarships for lupus? I'm not sure if I qualify for any, especially since I'm not straight out of high school. My writing skills are nothing compared to someone who is an English major. I write in the same way that I talk.

I've been painting a lot lately but I've given up on selling. I feel like they aren't very good and most people say "Ooh they're so pretty." But no one wants to buy them. Or if they do, they want to pay $5 which isn't even enough to cover the cost of supplies or shipping it to them.

Besides, in this economy, I don't think anyone cares about art. I'm not even that good, I'm not trained or anything. So I've quit selling and just give them away as random presents. Want one? I've got a lot!